We Are All Badgers is the UK's number one slightly random, slightly silly and slightly badger-related comedy site. Run by keen growler and experienced toast under beans eater, the Big Cheese Badger; and assisted by his paw-picked team including confirmed halfwit, Chester Chucklenuts, and professional jobseeker, Jobson Jobsworth, winner of the Jobseeker of the Year award, twenty-five years running.
The Big Cheese Badger is proud to announce that We Are All Badgers now fully complies with UK law on silly websites. The Online Internet Website Act 1905 states that all visitors with leather teeth and five eyebrows must be accompanied by a capable adult gorilla or a fish wearing a bomber jacket. Visitors not complying with the law will be apprehended by the internet police, Interpol, and imprisoned up their own left nostril.
Please note we accept no responsibility for time wasted from reading this site. Letters demanding compensation with be burnt. Emailed claims will be printed-out then burnt.
Do you want your mail delivered faster and at no extra cost? Well, just write "To be delivered by Badger Post" on your envelope or parcel and because postmen and postwomen are badger fans they will prioritize your mail. So second class mail will be upgraded to first class; and first class mail will be upgraded to zeroth class, which basically involves the postie sprinting to the house.
The Origin of the Word "Badger"
The word 'badger' is derived from the Latin verb 'badgia', meaning 'to badger', and found its way into the English language by hot-air balloon in the early 2nd Century. The hot-air balloon crash-landed in a forest due to the embarrassing realisation that it hadn't been invented yet. The wreckage was found by Brenda, a member of a race of black and white nocturnal mammals called twonks, and she rescued the injured word and nursed it back to health. The word was so grateful for her kindness that it offered itself as a name for Brenda's race - and so the twonks became the now excellently named badgers!
Badgers have since become the envy of all races because of their great name. Humans, with their boring name, have been especially jealous and have tried numerous times to steal the name for themselves. The most recent was the attempted extermination of all badgers under the guise of a supposed "TB cull". This attempt failed and so the badgers are still badgers and the humans are still stupid.
There are still some nice, non-murderous humans around that are happy to live side-by-side with the badgers and, together with the Big Cheese Badger, they have come up with a plan to suit all parties: badgers get to keep their name and humans get to say the word "badger" more often. The idea is that the word badger can replace any word as long as the meaning is still understood. Such as "brrr, it's badger!" when you are shivering with cold. Or "pass me the badger" when you are reaching for the tv remote. So maybe there is still hope for badger-human co-existence after all? We badger hope so!
Grey Squirrel Hunting
Recently, you may have seen some of our supporters (identifiably clad in official We Are All Badgers t-shirts) hiding in bushes with big guns. If so, DO NOT BE ALARMED - they are merely partaking in the new sport of grey squirrel hunting! You may well know of the plight of the beloved British red squirrel, bruised and battered by its larger grey cousin, they are being driven to extinction. Something must be done to ensure the survival of the red squirrel so that's why we've started hunting and slaughtering their grey kinsfolk!
Now you can do your bit - join your local Grey Squirrel Slaughtering Club and start hunting! No squirrel killing experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Choose from a variety of supplied weaponry including pistols, rifles and rocket launchers. The clubs are also child-friendly with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Click there for your free Grey Squirrel Kills Log Sheet to keep an accurate record of your squirrel kills. As an incentive, We Are All Badgers is running the official competition to find the first grey squirrel hunter to reach 1,000 kills! Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes of five tins of tuna, pre-opened for your convenience. Please allow 10 working days for delivery. Good luck!
New from the We Are All Badgers shop: buy the hilariously funny "joke corner" to confuse your friends and bemuse your enemies. Simply place the joke corner in the centre of a room and wait for your chosen victim to enter then watch their understanding of three-dimensional space disappear before your very eyes. They'll be researching n-dimensional space before you can say "is the temporal dimension unaffected?"
Warning: May create physicists.
As it is a month of the year we have introduced an exciting new raffle into the fray. Enter now for your chance to win the top prize of £10,000 or 5 runner-up prizes of £1,000. Tickets cost just £10,000 each. Apply at the usual address. Good luck!
Today’s Internet Tip of the Day
When opening new pages right-click the link and choose Open in New Tab so as to not navigate away from the original page. Thanks to Mother Teresa, humanitarian and internet wizard, for this handy tip, obtained through our resident medium, Miss Bovine Smith. The lovely Bovine will return soon with an all-new regular column "Tips from the Deceased".
No More Toilet Shortages!
The Great Toilet Shortage of 1985 saw the horrific consequences of a rising population in a country with a severe lack of toilet facilities. These days we take it for granted that everyone has access to a good quality poopary but it was a different world back then when the sudden shortage resulted in honest, hardworking citizens having to poop in a bucket or in their breakfast bowl or sometimes even in the toaster. Disposing of it afterwards was also a major problem, with an estimated 90% of the population at any one time carrying excrement around in their pockets until they could find a vacant toilet to dispose of it. If you've ever found poop in an old charity shop trouser pocket then now you know why.
So to prevent this crisis from ever happening again, We Are All Badgers has come up with a simple yet effective solution - but we need your help! We need every concerned and capable adult to add an "i" to every "To Let" sign they can find thereby creating millions of brand-new toilets instantly! And feel free to try out your new toilet as the presence of poop will encourage others to do the same. Act now before it's too late! Or should we say tooilate?