WeAreAllBadgers is an online magazine-format magazine. WeAreAllBadgers has engaging articles, editorials, award sections, competitions and even prizes. Copies are distributed bimonthly on recycled paper (WeAreAllBadgers are Green!) to many recycle bins across the country (WeAreAllBadgers keep costs down by cutting out the middle man!). If you would like to request a hardcopy please shout very loud with subject: 'Please add me to the distribution list'. And remember to include your name and address. We reserve the right to pretend that we did not hear.
The word Badger is a very proud and versatile word - derived from the Latin verb 'badgia', meaning 'to badger', and found its way into the English language by hot-air balloon in the early 12th Century. Originally Badger was the name of a breed of British gazelle but a brutal war in the 16th Century with the local foxes resulted in the total extinction of Badgers. The foxes suffered heavy loses and the race has never fully recovered - they are still carrying their battle-weary faces. The reasons for the war have been lost in the mists of time but historians consider it a distinct possibility that it had something to do with jam. Witnessing this exercise in pointlessness was a race of black and white nocturnal mammals, collectively (and unfortunately) known as Twonks. Belying their scrotum of a name, the Twonks seized this golden opportunity and officially adopted the name Badger for themselves. This changed the course of history for the Badgers (nee Twonks) and saw their fortunes take a dramatic turn for the better. Prior to the now termed 'Reformation' twonks suffered from the highest suicide rate of all woodland creatures. Post-reformation is now a radically different story - data collected and analysed by numerous woodland creature appreciation societies showed that the happiness of Badgers has increased tenfold since those draconian times. Anti-Badger groups have, over time, twisted the meaning of the term to refer to a religious movement that led to the formation of Protestant churches in Western Europe - this is pure propaganda aimed at deferring attention away from the glory days of the Badger. We are campaigning on behalf of all the badgers of the world for a return to the halcyon days of the Badger. We hope that you will join our struggle.
Recently, you may have seen some of our supporters (identifiably clad in official WeAreAllBadgers t-shirts) hiding in bushes with big guns. If so, DO NOT BE ALARMED - they are only partaking in the exciting new blood sport of squirrel hunting. Of the grey (or gray) kind, of course. WeAreAllBadgers supports the red squirrel! You may well know of the plight of the red squirrel, bruised and battered by it's larger grey cousins, they are being driven to extinction. The future of our beloved British red squirrel rests with us - the human race. We must begin hunting and slaughtering their grey kinsfolk. Given our history of mass genocide and the virtual annihilation of anything that moves, that shouldn't be a problem. The grey squirrel slaughtering campaign has begun! There is a Grey Squirrel Slaughtering Club near you! Join now for free if you quote ref: WAAB. The clubs are also an excellent opportunity to meet people in your area with similar interests. They are child-friendly also with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Lend us your support by sending in your best grey squirrel kills to the usual address below. The entries deemed to be of the highest quality (parameters of quality to be decided) will be photographed and displayed proudly on this very page. Click here for your completely free Grey Squirrel Kills log sheet to get you started. Simply print out and use for an accurate log of your squirrel kills. And for the kids who haven't managed to get their first kill (bless) we're running a 'draw a dead grey squirrel' competition. Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes consisting of 5 wide-lined pads of A4 paper (80 sheets per pad) and un-matching pens. Big prizes as usual so tarry not.
As it is a month of the year we have introduced an exciting new raffle into the fray. You have the chance to win the top prize of £10, 10 runner-up prizes of £5 and 50 third place prizes of £2. Tickets cost only £10 each. Please post your entry to: WeAreAllBadgers, 3rd Tree to the left of the Big Oak Tree, Badgerville. Good luck! All profits will be donated to a round man who looks likes a fish.
A wise man once said: 'we are all badgers'; a simple yet thoughtful utterance that has spawned this very page and it's many brethren. An interesting philosophical concept, as we're sure you'll agree, is that this single statement; merely a few words in length; had, at birth, the innate capability to be the mater of so much random and, evidently, perpendicular warblings. We bow down to the now sentient phrase 'we are all badgers': by coming into being; by existing; she (as we have now defined her to be) has, in turn, prolonged the need for us to continue with our own existences; a bestowal that we will not readily forget - we can, at last, be proud of our extant nature. We shall pass on her generosity in kind; lest we be unworthy of belonging to the human race. Ahem, er, the badger race.
Note that we acknowledge that the security system upon entering the site is not 100% reliable. (Click here to enter again.) But QuickFix Security Solutions are very reasonably priced (i.e. cheap) so we stick with them. If you are confused about whether you are good or evil then take the Alignment Test below. Young people especially are confused about this issue but do not be embarrassed to ask for advice from parents, teachers, and badgers. Many questions have been asked by those who are uncertain, such as:
- 'What are the benefits of following the path of evil?'
- 'If I am evil then can I kill people and is there a limit?'
- 'Does my collection of assorted limbs mean that I am evil?'
The advice of serial killers can also be taken on board, but be aware that it will be somewhat biased towards evil. You might have to spend an eternity in hell if you are evil, that's the rumour anyway. If you are still unsure then take The Alignment Test. This previously secret Government test has been discovering notorious evil geniuses for decades. It has now been released into the public domain for the good of humanity. Ahem, er, and badgerity. Here at WeAreAllBadgers, we think the test should be included as part of the National Curriculum and perhaps introduced at Year 6. This would identify evil tendencies at a very early age, and then 'corrective arrangements' could be made accordingly.
Otherwise, have a sniff around. There's something for everyone here. Apart from people who wandered in by accident looking for the toilet... OK, just do it quickly by the bottom left-hand corner. Hardly anyone goes there, hopefully no-one will notice...