Blue Quits!

The popular colour, Blue, has quit! He announced his shock decision at a hastily arranged press conference in the We Are All Badgers office, at which point it appeared that the sky dropped out of the, er, sky. The previously blue space below is stark proof that Blue is with us no more.

Followers of Blue's campaign for improved working conditions for colours will know his efforts have been met with a wall of silence from global governments who have refused to negotiate. The poor working conditions and long hours, literally 24 hours a day, every single day, has led to many colours suffering from chronic health problems and mental breakdowns. Perhaps the most famous case was when the colour splarg died from fatigue, which is why nothing is coloured splarg anymore.

Chester Chucklenuts, lead campaigner for the Colour Rights And Protection (CRAP) group, supported Blue's bold decision. "Colours are underappreciated and taken for granted. They work without breaks and in the most hostile of environments like war zones, other planets and even inside arseholes. When was the last time you looked at your bottom in the mirror and said thank you? I can assure you that we at CRAP do it all the time."

There has been mixed reaction to the news from the public. Mavis Twing, from Southend, founder of the Blue Fan Club and his most avid supporter, took the news badly and she took her own life. While Mr Twang, from Northend, said Blue's decision saved his life. He tearfully recollected: "I've always prided myself for having whiter-than-white whites but as I took my latest wash out of the machine I saw to my horror they were covered in blue splotches because of a rogue sock. I was heartbroken, it really was the end of my world, so I reached into my pocket for my handy revolver, which I keep for such emergencies, but before I could pull the trigger, before my very eyes, the blue disappeared from my clothes leaving them whiter-than-white once more. In my rashness I had nearly killed myself that day, but Blue's actions saved my life. I promised myself I'd be less impulsive in future and think before I act. And as a punishment for my rashness I shot off my kneecap."

Work is already underway to recolour and replace what was once blue. Less popular colours have volunteered to do most of the work as they have more time on their hands. The mighty blue whale, the largest mammal in the world, has been recoloured mauve and renamed the mauve whale. Despite a great colouring job from mauve, the mauve whales are said to be disappointed as they feel they now sound far less mighty. Blu-Tack has been recoloured puce and is now called Puce-Tack. And popular boy-band Blue has been renamed to Dark Shitty Brown. Lee Ryan, from Dark Shitty Brown, is unhappy with the new shit-related name but fans are already embracing the new name by throwing their soiled underwear at the band.

Will Blue return? Only time will tell, but in the meantime at least there'll be no more monday blues. Although there might be some monday yellows which, thankfully, doesn't sound half as depressing.