Jobson Jobsworth’s CV
The Big Cheese Badger's alter ego, Jobson Jobsworth, wants a job. He sent his CV and covering letter to genuine job vacancies all around the UK. Most employers took Jobson's application in the spirit in which it was sent, however, some people were angry at having their important work interrupted by an idiot.
Jobson did manage to get some job offers, although most of those were newly created imaginary positions involving imaginary duties in imaginary offices in imaginary worlds. Still, a job's a job.
Address: Permanently residing at the Jobcentre
Dear Miss Partridge-Kensington,
RE: Job Vacancy Ref: PQ429/T093-62HYK.01:WQBX-D4G8-V67/3Z.5
Thank you for not immediately deleting my application for the above vacancy in your company. Please find attached my CV for your expert perusal when you can tear yourself away from Facebook.
As you can see from my CV, I am currently one of the Government's most experienced jobseekers, with twenty-five years of high quality job searching under my belt.
I would really like to work for your company as (think of some rubbish to put here - don't forget!). My minimum salary requirements are £77K per annum, which would enable me to return to a 'man about town' way of life, which I find rather suits my carefree gait. My current salary is approximately £3K which currently correlates to a way of life similar to a 'man about town only on very, very special occasions.'
I am available for interview at any time, apart from Thursdays which is my lie-in day. Can you tell me the dress code please? I'm unsure if I should wear my suit as it has one leg missing from an accident involving climbing over a wire fence. What is your company policy on interviewees with only one trouser leg? Would the lack of one trouser leg adversely affect my chances?
I am willing to commute to work but please note my car is not very reliable as it has an increasingly worrying range of problems. The latest issue is that it sometimes randomly changes into reverse gear, which is both dangerous and embarrassing, especially on motorways. I apologise in advance for arriving late every day.
Not that I wish to be presumptuous but for my 'welcome to the company' gift, I would like to receive a three litre bottle of single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch. That would be a very kind gesture on your part, and would also help me through my first day.
Should you require any further information, or wish to discuss my application further, or even if you just want to talk about badgers, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Jobson Jobsworth xxx
PS - I apologise profusely if your name is not Miss Partridge-Kensington. It was just a guess, to be honest, as I didn't have time to check your actual name as I was busy trying to beat the world record time for staring at yourself in the mirror without smiling. I thought Miss Partridge-Kensington was as good a guess as any. I almost went with Mrs Ethel Williamson-Parkinson-Tomlinson or Mr Crumbleton McJefferey, so I'll be kicking myself if either of those were right.
PPS - I am aware that kisses are nonstandard for a job application, but I am highlighting my risk-taking attitude by, er, taking risks. I did also consider ThIs KiNd Of WrTiNg for my application to show the quirky and playful side of my personality, coupled with each letter being a different colour, to show my support of multi-racial, multi-religious and multi-cultural harmony, but I was advised against it. Hence, I've gone with the kisses, which incidentally, I was also advised against.
PPPS - If you are male then please ignore the kisses. However, if you are female then please blush with excitement as I am also looking for a girlfriend as well as a job. Please send me details of your loveliness and I will assess your application ASAP. If you do not hear anything within six weeks of submission then please assume your application was unsuccessful. Currently there is only one vacancy for this role, however, if the quality of candidates are high, I will consider creating further vacancies by becoming a Mormon.
Jobson Jobsworth’s CV
I offer a mature and responsible attitude towards working, together with an adaptable approach, which means I can be immature and irresponsible whenever necessary.
My attention to detail is exceptional and my speeling is second to none. I can work effectively under pressure, up to a g-force of 24.
|Dates:||Employment & Responsibilities:|
|1987 - Present||I have been actively seeking employment.|
|1986 - 1987||Pizza Delivery Guy - Responsibilities included delivering pizzas to people who ordered pizzas and also, to demonstrate my initiative, delivering pizzas to people who didn't order pizzas.|
|1986 - 1987||Pizza Delivery Girl - As above, except - in order to obtain more tips - whilst wearing a rather fetching curly brunette wig and a low-cut top revealing a teasing taste of pec-cleavage.|
|1 Hour in May 1986||Shoe Shop Manager - Responsibilities included ensuring customers buy the right shoes for their feet and measuring their feet with the foot measurer thing. Responsibilities ended when the real manager came back from lunch and told me to get out of his shop.|
|1941 - 1986||Door-to-Door Inventor - Travelled door-to-door and requested which products people required and invented them on the spot. Yes, on the spot. My most notable invention was self-blowing bubble gum, invented at the request of local idiot, Timmy. Little Timmy could never manage to blow bubbles and was ridiculed about this even by people with no mouths; but my new self-blowing bubble gum had the potential to transform Timmy's life as bubbles are 'blown' automatically once moisture is added. However, my invention was severely criticized by the local media after Timmy accidentally swallowed his bubble gum and tragically died after his insides were clogged up with ever-expanding bubble gum. I was very upset about this, because Timmy ruined my chances of selling my product and making a fortune. However, I've forgiven little Timmy, which I feel highlights the mature and responsible side to my character.|
|1934 - 1941||Unemployed - My first experience of the unemployment sector. This time, for a bit of a well-earned break, I was actively avoiding employment.|
|1919 - 1934||Chair - I was a sturdy chair in a busy city centre cafe. Had numerous compliments of being surprisingly comfortable. It was just a shame I couldn't sit on myself. I know this because I tried. Many times.|
|1895 - 1919||Born on 9th October 1895 then spent the first twenty-four years crying and shitting myself.|
|Birth of the Universe - 1894||Didn't exist. Is this too detailed? Maybe I don't need to specify this?|
Home-Schooled - My parents ran away from home when I was eleven so I stayed at home and self-taught myself. Afterwards I self-examined myself and I achieved 1,999 Grade A distinctions in 2,000 subjects in JJEB (Jobson Jobsworth Examination Board) - a record for JJEB and more qualifications than anyone else ever. The only subject I failed was geography as I didn't know where the exam room was.
Turned out it was the box room. I lodged numerous stern complaints with JJEB over correct exam room labeling but sadly they have repeatedly ignored my letters. It's almost as if they don't exist.
I am an experienced first-aider with only two deaths to my name.
My greatest ever achievement was receiving the Greatest Ever Achievement award from my peers. The Greatest Ever Achievement award was given to me in recognition of me accomplishing my greatest ever achievement.
I have a keen interest in languages and I am currently learning Esperanto as I plan to move to sunny Esperanta when I retire. The Esperantans are such a welcoming and friendly race, I'm surprised more people don't move there.
I also have a keen interest in pornography and I enjoy masturbating on a regular basis. This has enabled me to learn time management skills and working within a deadline as my son is only out of the house for short periods.
I am an experienced and skillful drinker. My drink of choice is a single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch, because of its high quality. Just like me. That is, I'm trying to say that I'm high quality, I'm not saying I'm a high quality whisky. And just to be clear, I am not a whisky of any quality. Anyway, I sincerely hope my high quality shines through.
Additionally, I have an excellently inventive and fertile imagination, and have even successfully created an imaginary character - my son, Stirling Jobsworth. This is something few people can say they have ever achieved. While I'm on the subject, is there a suitable vacancy for him at your company? It would be handy if we worked at the same location as we could car share and take it in turns to drive. I enjoy it when Stirling drives as I can relax and go to sleep.
Well, now that you bring it up, I don't like working with people called Peter Pissbottom as they seem to constantly annoy me; so I would be very grateful if you could arrange for any Peter Pissbottoms to be fired, relocated or, in fact, disposed of in any way you see fit. The last Peter Pissbottom I worked with kept farting in my face. And the one before that kept stapling my clothes to my chair. And the one before that kept urinating on my desk. It's very distracting when I'm in meetings with important clients.
Also, I'm not too keen on sprouts, they give me wind. Just thinking ahead to the office Christmas party. Put me down for extra carrots instead please.
As for my postal address, I usually spend my days in a variety of Jobcentres, and my nights in the modern 24/7 ones.
Or just speak to my son, Stirling, as he always seems to know where I am - he has this strange sixth sense or something. Even when I went on a one-man vacation to sunny Esperanta, he appeared on the very first day, much to my annoyance. However, I forgave him for his intrusion as he was sporting a pair of rather hilarious bermuda shorts with matching socks. So I shared my Glenbenloch with him and we wrestled the night away.
References are available on the third request.
Any Other Business
Will I be penalized if I have my clothes on back to front for the interview? I have always had trouble tying a tie but somehow I succeeded yesterday and it really made my day. However, my joy was short-lived as I realised I had the tie on back to front. I'm sure you agree that this is an easy mistake to make, and especially so for me as I already had my suit jacket and shirt on back to front too. I have, however, decided to leave them all on permanently just in case I never manage to tie the troublesome tie again. And as a bonus I'll be ready for an interview at a moment's notice so feel free to surprise me with a time-critical appointment. I just hope I won't smell too much.
Hold on, this Any Other Business section shouldn't even be on a CV, this is for meetings and stuff like that. Note to self: delete this section as the last thing I want to do is sound like a moron on my job application.
Now then, where's my Glenbenloch?
For the original, longer version of the CV which features Jobson's nemesis, Montgomery Harrington, go here!