Give Us Your Personal Data!

These days personal data is big business and that's why the Big Cheese Badger wants yours! He's prepared this questionnaire to capture highly valuable information about your likes and dislikes and habits and hobbies which he can then sell to the highest bidder and make a fortune. That's the plan anyway.

As a incentive, every completed questionnaire will be entered into a draw to win a modern, top-of-the-range time machine. Please note the time machine was built by the Big Cheese Badger who has no knowledge of engineering or temporal physics, so you might experience operational "quirks" upon use of your new time machine. If you are transformed into a steaming pile of bubbling green slime please consult the troubleshooting guide in the manual.

What is your favourite hobby?

  • Hiding inside oranges then jumping out when people least expect it.
  • Pooping into random people's shopping bags at bus stops, ideally without them noticing.
  • Spreading jam onto live rats.
  • Jumping over bins wearing leather socks. Just leather socks.
  • Other, please specify:

What is your favourite meal?

  • Potato peel soup.
  • Toast under beans.
  • Rat rattatoiue.
  • I'm unable to eat as I have no digestive system.
  • Other, please specify:

What is your drink of choice?

  • Forty day old urine.
  • Liquidised excrement.
  • Hot tarmac.
  • An Irish Cowfish cocktail. (The Big Cheese Badger's own recipe - simply add equal measures of Irish Cream, Bovril and Cod Liver Oil, mix well and serve in a large bucket with a golf unbrella. The bucket doubles as an optional throwing-up vessel.)
  • Other, please specify:

What was the last thing you bought online?

  • A wet plastic bag.
  • An angry sparrow.
  • A four-foot wide hairy mongoose.
  • A half-hour session with the Big Cheese Badger when he was renting out his body to save up for a speedboat.
  • Other, please specify:

Which website do most frequently visit?

  • We Are All Badgers.
  • We Are All Moles.
  • I've never been on a website.
  • I only visit elbow-based porn sites.
  • Other, please specify:

Which of the following supermarkets do you regularly shop at?

  • This question doesn't make any sense, you've forgotten to list the supermarkets.
  • What stupid badger messed up this question?
  • The question is void so I'll take this opportunity to mention that I like eating spicy underwear shavings.
  • I like jogging in a tin foil tracksuit.
  • Other, please don't specify.

Do you like filling in questionnaires?

  • Yes.
  • No.
  • Don't mind.
  • As long as there is a point to them and they're not just silly.

Which is your favourite nostril?

  • My left nostril.
  • My right nostril as it's twice the size as my left. I think other people like it too as they can't stop staring at it.
  • My middle nostril.
  • I decline to answer as I have no nose.

How many times have you eaten toast under beans in your lifetime?

  • 97.
  • Minus 143.
  • I've still been using the old-fashioned name of beans on toast, I didn't realise it had a cool new name, I feel like an idiot.
  • I can't eat beans as I have a bean-based mental health problem. The good news is that I'm making progress with the help of the excellent support group, Bean Through It.
  • Personally I prefer the wonderfully tasty dish of eggs under chips under beans under cheese. For some strange reason people always look at me like I'm a crazed loon when I ask for it in restaurants.
  • Other, please specify:

When you eat toast under beans do you have any preference, location wise, on which bean to eat first? Please specify in terms of: a bearing in degrees from north of your plate and distance (in that direction) in cm. A scatter graph will be produced to display the results.

  • No preference - a bean is a bean.
  • Yes, I thought it was only me! I always firstly eat the bean on a bearing of degrees from north and a distance of cm in that direction.
  • I notice that there are no options for toast-first eaters here. Clearly you do not consider supplying any toast options as important. You have lost my respect.

What is your favourite letter of the English alphabet?

  • a
  • b
  • c
  • d
  • e
  • f
  • g
  • h
  • i
  • j
  • k
  • l
  • m
  • n
  • o
  • p
  • q
  • r
  • s
  • t
  • u
  • v
  • w
  • x
  • y
  • z
  • No preference.

What is your favourite number?

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7
  • 8
  • 9
  • 10
  • 11
  • 12
  • 13
  • 14
  • 15
  • 16
  • 17
  • 18
  • 19
  • 20
  • 21
  • 22
  • 23
  • 24
  • 25
  • 26
  • 27
  • 28
  • 29
  • 30
  • 31
  • 32
  • 33
  • 34
  • 35
  • 36
  • 37
  • 38
  • 39
  • 40
  • 41
  • 42
  • 43
  • 44
  • 45
  • 46
  • 47
  • 48
  • 49
  • 50
  • 51
  • 52
  • 53
  • 54
  • 55
  • 56
  • 57
  • 58
  • 59
  • 60
  • 61
  • 62
  • 63
  • 64
  • 65
  • 66
  • 67
  • 68
  • 69
  • 70
  • 71
  • 72
  • 73
  • 74
  • 75
  • 76
  • 77
  • 78
  • 79
  • 80
  • 81
  • 82
  • 83
  • 84
  • 85
  • 86
  • 87
  • 88
  • 89
  • 90
  • 91
  • 92
  • 93
  • 94
  • 95
  • 96
  • 97
  • 98
  • 99
  • 100
  • 512,763,234,900
  • Other, please specify:

What is your favourite length of stick?

  • Long.
  • Short.
  • Medium.
  • Slightly longer than medium.
  • Slightly shorter than medium.
  • Don't like sticks.

What is your favourite corner of an A4 sheet of paper?

  • Top left.
  • Top right.
  • Bottom left.
  • Bottom right.
  • Anything apart from the ridiculous top right hand corner. I always rip it off before I send off my job applications. For some reason I'm still unemployed.

If you have any other information about yourself which you think is valuable enough for the Big Cheese Badger to sell then please add them here:

To enter the draw for a modern, top-of-the-range time machine enter your details below. If you are the lucky winner we will notify you yesterday.

  • Name:Eil
  • Email:Ne
  • Leave this empty:
  • I wish to be entered into the draw for a modern, top-of-the-range time machine.
  • I confirm I will not travel back in time to prevent the existence of the Big Cheese Badger so that I can get back the 10 minutes I've just wasted filling in this questionnaire.