Jobson Jobsworth loves jobseeking but he also loves The Apprentice. If only there was a way to combine the two...
Hold on, there is! Read Jobson's Apprentice Application below! And as he's an Apprentice super-fan he couldn't resist sneaking in references to numerous classic Apprentice moments from previous series. Can you spot them all?
1) What do you do for a living, and who for?
I am currently one of the Government's most experienced jobseekers, with twenty-five years of high quality jobsearching under my belt. I hold the British record for number of job applications, currently standing at just over seven billion, and including this one, just over seven billion. I'm not the winner of the Jobseeker of the Year award, twenty-five years running, for nothing.
I believe that my proposed business will be a great success but I really need an investment of £250 to make it work. It was either apply to The Apprentice or submit a video of me falling over to You've Been Framed. I thought this would be easier as it would take me ages to choose which video to submit.
If the project gets the green light from Alan then I give him my word that I'll be all over it like a tramp on chips.
2) State all qualifications, giving details of establishments attended
Honours degree in Apprentice Studies from Amschool University. My thesis centered on the controversial hypothesis that The Apprentice should be renamed The Business Partner in order to be 110% accurate.
3) Why should you be Lord Sugar’s business partner?
I should be Alan's business partner because I am the greatest human being that has ever lived. And I don't say that lightly, or without proof. I have a signed certificate stating as much, signed by the greatest human being that has ever lived, no less, so he can't be wrong.
4) What makes you different from everyone else applying?
The main thing that makes me different from every other candidate is that I have been preparing for my appearance on The Apprentice by appearing on The Apprentice. This means I have the perfect experience to appear on The Apprentice as I have already appeared on The Apprentice.
By The Apprentice I mean my own version of the show which, for copyright reasons, I have called "The Business Partner". And in the absence of Lord Sugar, my good friend and mentor, Lord Jobson, has agreed to take part. The Business Partner is due to be broadcast next year on the BBC (the British Badger Club, not the British Broadcasting Corporation, for the avoidance of doubt) but if you can't wait, several highlights, and lowlights, are available below for your perusal.
Our first job was to decide on summit or other for a team name. After several ridiculous suggestions we settled on the exciting Team Smash! Note that the exclamation mark is part of the team name so it should be pronounced appropriately, i.e. shouted.
For the first task the teams had to set up a market stall and sell fresh meals to the lunchtime trade. My team-mate, Crumbleton McJefferey, suggested chopping up carrots and selling them by the slice for high margins. We all thought this was a ridiculous idea and we had no option but to treat him with utter disdain for the rest of the series. We decided on a much better idea in the end and we won the task. A first victory for Team Smash! That's what I'm talking about! And for a treat, Lord Jobson gave us some choc drops.
In stark contrast the opposing team failed miserably on all counts, even their name. They had called themselves Team Moron as they thought that "moron" was a different form of the word "more" and hence meant they were always striving for more, but they were mistaken and Lord Jobson ordered them to change their name. So Team Moron became the much more punchier Team Kapow! I thought this new name was far too similar to Team Smash! for my liking but Lord Jobson allowed it.
I took on the responsibility of being project manager for the fourth task and led Team Smash! to New York. Unfortunately by the time we arrived we forgot what the task was. This was entirely Crumbleton McJefferey's fault, my sub-team leader, as I had assigned him the responsibility of remembering. He let the team down badly.
In the boardroom we were bracing ourselves for a Team Smash! loss. I knew I was safe from being fired though, as clearly Crumbleton McJefferey was 100% responsible for the failings of this task. So it was a surprise to us all when Team Smash! was awarded the victory. At first I thought that Lord Jobson must have been impressed by my no-nonsense delegation skills. But it turned out that Team Kapow! didn't even make it to New York as they caught the wrong flight and ended up in Westward Ho! instead and were therefore disqualified. Team Smash! won by default as we were also disqualified but less so.
As I was project manager, I offered Crumbleton's resignation as a gesture of goodwill but Lord Jobson declined my kind proposal. Crumbleton was a very lucky man indeed. When I reflected on the task I realised that, as project manager, I had led my team to victory, even though it was an unconventional victory. I was filled with a sudden confidence and a renewed belief that I could be Lord Jobson's business partner.
For our treat, Lord Jobson bought us a three-litre bottle of Scotland's finest single malt whisky, Glenbenloch, which he said we could drink that evening or save for task days.
At this point, to reflect the evolving nature of the team we renamed ourselves from Team Smash! to Team SMASH! We felt the change to uppercase letters reflected our increased confidence. Annoyingly, Team Kapow! copied us again and were now called Team KAPOW! I felt that this childish behaviour was unacceptable but Lord Jobson allowed it. I felt so annoyed I also contacted Lord Sugar, warning him that this kind of childish behaviour should not be allowed on The Apprentice. Young Apprentice, fair enough.
For the seventh task, the teams were required to create and sell a new ready meal product and the winner would be the team who earns the most profit. Both teams created remarkably similar products: Team KAPOW!'s effort was called Chicken Fusions, and was marketed as a premium product with a tagline of "High on Quality - High on Taste". While Team SMASH!'s ready meal was also chicken-based and was called Chick! Bite! Now! Yes!
It was tense in the boardroom and after several exciting misdirections, Lord Jobson awarded Team SMASH! the victory. My decision to keep costs down by using potato instead of chicken proved decisive. But then, in a stunning turnaround, Lord Jobson found out that I had used potato instead of chicken and he disqualified the team and awarded Team KAPOW! the win. It was a terrible moment for me personally as I knew I was 100% responsible for the loss.
Nevertheless, I blamed the project manager, Crumbleton McJefferey, for the failings of this task. This was because he listened to me when I suggested using potato instead of chicken. I shook my head a lot in disbelief at his actions. I managed to convince Lord Jobson and he fired Crumbleton McJefferey instead of me. I was very happy to at last see the back of the fool. So he ordered a taxi and left with his brand-new scarf.
Starved of a treat, Team SMASH! popped to the local corner shop and bought several three-litre bottles of Glenbenloch so it wasn't long before we forgot we had lost the task.
The final task saw the remaining two candidates pitted head-to-head: the lovely but deadly Miss Partridge-Kensington was now standing between me and Lord Jobson's £250. We were tasked to create a successful international restaurant chain with a turnover of at least £3 million. A tricky assignment but I was up for the challenge.
Several losers from previous episodes rejoined our teams. Luckily Crumbleton McJefferey was on the opposing side so I was confident of victory. Team SMASH! created the Happy Harry's restaurant chain, purveyors of fine, affordable cuisine on all seven continents. I highly recommend the Happy Harry's House Hamper, our signature dish.
My hopes were high in the boardroom as I had just opened my eighty-first restaurant. But I was horrified when I found out that I'd misheard Lord Jobson when he described the task - the task was not to create a successful international restaurant chain with a turnover of at least £3 million but was instead to create a sparrow feeder. I was about to blame Crumbleton McJefferey, even though he was on the other team, when I found out a pair of house sparrows had booked a table at their local Happy Harry's to celebrate the laying of their new egg, so my restaurant was a sparrow feeder after all. Technically. My decision to include worms on the menu had paid off!
So Team SMASH! won! I was Lord Jobson's new Business Partner. I couldn't believe it, my dreams had come true; I had won £250 to set up my new company which will design, manufacture and sell realistic false beards for badgers.
To celebrate, I shared my remaining bottles of Glenbenloch with my new sparrow friends and changed my name to Jobson! Jobsworth! so that I'd never forget my amazing experiences. Annoying, this time Lord Jobson copied me, or rather, Lord! Jobson!
5) Have you ever applied for or have you ever appeared on TV before? If yes, please give details
I once appeared as a contestant on "Margaret Mountford's Whose Underpants Am I Wearing?" an innovative gameshow from the BBC (the British Broadcasting Corporation, not the British Badger Club, for the avoidance of doubt).
The gameshow, created, developed and hosted by underwear historian, Margaret Mountford, features a contestant wearing a pair of underpants belonging to a mystery celebrity. The contestant must then identify the unknown celebrity with the help of clues from Margaret, scientific analysis of the underpants and a panel of celebrity underpants experts. And if correct the contestant wins the underpants which they can keep as a trophy or sell on eBay to a pervert.
The show, widely tipped to be a future BAFTA winner in the Best Underpants-Based Gameshow category, was a ratings hit. And the successful format had already been sold to twenty-four countries. But, just before my episode was due to be broadcast, "Margaret Mountford's Whose Underpants Am I Wearing?" was suddenly cancelled.
Underwear-obsessed Margaret, or Peggy as she prefers to be known, said on hearing the distressing news: "I'm naturally upset that a matter close to my heart, or rather my bottom, has run into difficulties. Nevertheless, I will get to the bottom of it!"
It soon became apparent that the popular gameshow was off our screens because of plagiarism charges filed against it. And in fact, it was Dara O'Briain, former host of The Apprentice's successful companion show, You've Been Fired, who had claimed that creative ownership of the "Whose Underpants Am I Wearing?" brand was his and had begun court proceedings to prove his case.
The Irish funnyman alleges he came up with the idea when he mistakenly put on Professor Brian Cox's underpants after a photoshoot for a Stargazing Live charity naked calendar, to raise money for dying stars. The Mock the Week host claims he shared the idea with Peggy whilst the pair were on a three-legged pub crawl together in Dagenham. However, Peggy claims she has no recollection of the event.
A heated legal battle is currently being fought between the two Apprentice legends so it's a matter for the courts to decide whether "Margaret Mountford's Whose Underpants Am I Wearing?" or "Dara O'Briain's Whose Underpants Am I Wearing?" will ever see the light of day. In the meantime, celebrities everywhere are keeping their underwear nice and clean, just in case.
6) Have you or a relative ever worked for the BBC, FremantleMedia, Thames or Boundless in any capacity before? If yes, please give details
My mother's great-great grandfather's stepfather's uncle-in-law's next-door neighbour's one-time visitor, Nick Hewer, was an important member of The Apprentice team until very recently. Unfortunately he was fired at the end of the previous series for failing to meet the required quota of eyebrow raises. This decision raised an eyebrow or two but by then it was too late.
This ignominious end to his Apprentice career was a bitter pill to swallow for the well-respected TV personality and his life has since unravelled like a cheap hidden camera jumper. After losing his job, he lost his confidence, his self-respect and even his favourite trousers. And to top it off his long-standing marriage to Margaret Mountford fell apart like a cheap foldaway chair.
The former best friend to Alan Sugar was forced to leave his family home and now lives alone in the Countdown studio. His increasingly withdrawn nature sees him spend most of his time alone at his desk; the only company he tolerates are daily visits from his new best friends, Mr Pinot and Mr Grigio. At nighttimes the agitated Countdown host can be found curled up asleep underneath his desk and he doesn't surface again until the afternoons even though he's got a giant alarm clock.
Production days on Countdown are particularly difficult for Nick. He refuses to emerge from underneath his desk until Rachel Riley has reassured him that he's her all-time favourite Countdown host. Then it's up to Susie Dent to distract the worried host with a few sessions of the Origin of Nick's Favourite Words, being careful to stay away from certain words like apprentice, sugar and eyebrows.
But nothing can distract Nick when he spots Jimmy Carr entering the studio. He feels threatened when another Countdown host trespasses on his territory. Nick always keeps his eyes firmly fixed on Jimmy, watching his rival host's every move; until he can't control his jealousy any longer and he chases Jimmy Carr out of the studio, nipping at his heels.
So what now for Nick? Despite the numerous setbacks in his professional and personal life, I truly believe he will come back from this, you be sure of it.
7) What is the most interesting thing about you?
I was once abducted by aliens. But by aliens I mean illegal aliens from another country. But it turned out that these illegal aliens from another country were aliens from another planet in disguise. Hiding in plain sight; clever.
These aliens took me to their homeworld in the unfashionable Dark Matter district of the Galaxy, to a planet called Jobsonia. It was nerve-racking at first, I had so many questions: who are these Jobsonians? What do they want with me? Do Jobsonians go camping? Are Jobsonians very fond of their children? I soon found out that I had no need to worry as the Jobsonians were a friendly and peaceful race. But I checked their cupboards for anal probes just in case.
The Jobsonians revealed that their planet was suffering from total economic collapse and civil unrest caused by a 100% unemployment rate. No-one was earning anything which was playing havoc with the laws of plausibility. The unemployed aliens explained they needed help from someone who knew jobseeking inside-out and back-to-front, so who better than the winner of the Jobseeker of the Year award, twenty-five years running? It was up to me to save their planet.
I began work on finding a solution immediately after a fortnight's holiday in Jobsonian's number-one luxury beach resort. So after a fruitless brain-storm, and an empty thought-cloud, I solved the problem during a very productive mind-hurricane. Next time I'll start with the mind-hurricane. The solution was now clear to me: a 5-day compulsory intensive jobseeking training course.
I worked myself to the bone every afternoon between ten-past-two and quarter-to-three and soon my course was complete. I was confident I'd included everything a jobseeker needed to gain employment, including CV writing tips, interview techniques and even excuses to use after sniffing an interviewer's eyeball.
It was on the very first day of the newly named Job-Smash! Kapow! course when the unthinkable happened. I was halfway through delivering my infinitely long module on keywords and keyphrases NOT to put on your CV, learnt from extensive trial and error during my twenty-five years of jobseeking, such as: poop; plop; poopy plop; ploppy poop; slippy sloppy poopy plop; sloppy slippy ploppy poop; my legs are made of fishcakes; help, I'm stuck in a biscuit tin; my nostrils don't like you; I keep farts in my left pocket; and so on, when --
I've started a new paragraph for dramatic effect.
-- Jobsonia was attacked by full-time employed aliens from the nearby planet of Amsrock. These Sugarian warriors, as they are known, launched their attack in the dead of night, to both surprise their enemy and earn overtime payments.
The Sugarian warriors were skilled fighters as well as skilled earners - the peaceful and unemployed Jobsonians didn't stand a chance. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the fate of the soon-to-be-annihilated-or-enslaved population of Jobsonia; no doubt that's just the natural paternal feelings that develop when you help and care for people but it also could be because I ordered everyone to be on the compulsory Job-Smash! Kapow! course instead of manning their planetary defences.
I hastily made my way out of the recently renamed "Jobson Jobsworth Saviour of the People and Hero of Jobsonia" building, leaving via the correct exit door, which is harder than it looks. I then escaped from the planet, sneaking past the Sugarian warriors when they were forced to take a 10-minute break due to strict health and safety rules; the sad, inevitable consequence of an advanced civilisation.
The journey home was surprisingly easy as I had memorized the route so merely needed to reverse it. I made a left at the red dwarf, left again at the black hole, right at the pulsar and straight ahead past the now famous 67p comet. I thought it was a huge waste of time and money just to send a probe to study an almost worthless lump of rock. I'd have sent it to the £5,000 comet at the very least.
8) What’s the most impressive thing you’ve ever done in business?
Sorry, but I don't think I have time to answer this question as I have to outline an important request to Alan in exchange for my participation on his show. I require my butler and personal groomer, Crinklebottom Bumblecrack, to accompany me throughout the series.
I've come to rely on Crinklebottom to get me through my day-to-day life. He does the jobs I can't be bothered to do like cooking, cleaning, dressing myself in the mornings, wiping my face after eating and making sure I go to the toilet. I wouldn't like to say what would happen if I was left to fend for myself if Crinklebottom was not allowed to accompany me on the show. You'll have no-one to blame but yourselves if a filthy, naked man covered in trifle and excrement turns up in the boardroom.
However, in the interests of balance, so that the other candidates aren't envious of me having a butler, I should say that Crinklebottom Bumblecrack is also a great hindrance to me. He's extremely clumsy and not a day goes by that he doesn't bump into me, causing me to fall over and crash into things. The staff at my local supermarket know me very well, as reassembling pyramidic structures of baked bean tins is a daily job for them. But on the plus side Crinklebottom always carries a video camera with him so we don't miss a single You've Been Framed opportunity.
Don't worry what the audience will think of Crinklebottom. Much like many Apprentice candidates during the initial weeks, he has learnt the art of invisibility, and can blend into the background. I'd say it was very impressive, but he still manages to knock me over.
Is my request acceptable to you? I pay Crinklebottom in sporks so I always have some spare lying around; I could give you a few to sweeten the deal if you like?
It's the doorbell, Ricko's here! Hurrah, no more work for me! We're off out for a wrestle. Ricko loves wrestling. He can't even get through a working day at his recruitment company without wrestling one of his clients to the floor. He always lets them win though, he's not stupid.
Me and Ricko are best friends although we did have an argument once and didn't speak to each other for two days. But we came to our senses and patched things up and it was all worth it in the end as the make-up wrestle was fantastic.
Ricko's just wrestled the front door to the floor and he's charging towards me! He's wearing his Hyperman costume his mum bought him for his birthday; he's told me it triples his wrestling powers! His clients don't stand a chance if he wears that at work.
Shiitake mushrooms! I've just realised there is another question after this one! Hold on, Ricko!
9) How did you hear about the process?
My close friend and spork supplier, Karren Brady, informed me of the opportunity. She told me whilst I was in the heated throws of jobseeking so it's lucky I heard her over the shouting.
She also advised me to undertake extensive research on Alan, businessman and TV star. There's nothing more embarrassing than turning up on the Apprentice and not knowing anything about him. So I found out a little-known factoid that he's actually appeared in an episode of Star Trek. I haven't seen the episode but apparently he played the Enterprise Tsar, which sounds to me like the top ranked officer in the starship. I bet Captain Kirk wasn't pleased to see him! I'm guessing the character didn't last long; it was probably an unnecessary level of bureaucracy in the Enterprise chain of command. I think I'll impress Alan with this well-researched information when I'm introduced in the boardroom. First impressions last after all!
Right then, Hyperman, let's wrestle!
Jobson's many other skills and experiences can be found on his CV and covering letter. If you have any job vacancies which you think would interest Jobson please send details to him on twitter. He's available for interview anytime apart from Thursdays, which is his lie-in day.