Jobson Jobsworth’s CV
Professional jobseeker, Jobson Jobsworth, sent his CV and covering letter to genuine job vacancies all around the UK. Most employers took Jobson's application in the spirit in which it was sent, however, some people were annoyed that their important work was interrupted by an idiot.
Jobson did manage to get some job offers, although most of those were newly created imaginary positions involving imaginary duties in imaginary offices in imaginary worlds. Still, a job's a job.
Address: Permanently residing at the Jobcentre
Dear Miss Partridge-Kensington,
RE: Job Vacancy Ref: PQ429/T093-62HYK.01:WQBX-D4G8-V67/3Z.5
Thank you for not immediately deleting my application for the above vacancy in your company. Please find attached my CV for your expert perusal when you can tear yourself away from Facebook.
As you can see from my CV, I am currently one of the Government's most experienced jobseekers, with twenty-five years of high quality jobsearching under my belt. I hold the British record for number of job applications, currently standing at just over seven billion, and including this one, just over seven billion. I'm not the winner of the Jobseeker of the Year award, twenty-five years running, for nothing.
I would really like to work for your company as I really need the money. My minimum salary requirements are £77k per annum, which would enable me to return to a 'man about town' way of life, which I find rather suits my carefree gait. My current salary is approximately £3k which currently correlates to a way of life similar to a 'man about town only on very, very special occasions.'
I am available for interview at any time, apart from Thursdays which is my lie-in day. Can you tell me the dress code please? I'm unsure if I should wear my suit as it has one leg missing from an accident involving climbing over a wire fence. What is your company policy on interviewees with only one trouser leg? Would the lack of one trouser leg adversely affect my chances?
Unfortunately I am unable to relocate at present as I only have one suitcase. However, I am willing to commute to work but please note my car is very unreliable and has an increasingly worrying range of problems. The latest issue is that it sometimes randomly changes into reverse gear, which is both dangerous and embarrassing, especially on motorways. I apologise in advance for arriving late every day.
Not that I wish to be presumptuous but for my 'welcome to the company' gift, I would like to receive a three litre bottle of single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch. That would be a very kind gesture on your part and would also help me get through my first day.
Should you require any further information, or wish to discuss my application further, or even if you just want to talk about badgers, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Jobson Jobsworth xxx
PS - I apologise profusely if your name is not Miss Partridge-Kensington. It was just a guess, to be honest, as I didn't have time to check your actual name as I was busy trying to beat the world record time for staring at yourself in the mirror without smiling. I thought Miss Partridge-Kensington was as good a guess as any. I nearly went with Mrs Ethel Williamson-Parkinson-Tomlinson or Mr Crumbleton McJefferey, so I'll be kicking myself if either of those were right.
PPS - I am aware that kisses are nonstandard for a job application, but I am highlighting my risk-taking attitude by, er, taking risks. I did also consider ThIs KiNd Of WrTiNg for my application to show the quirky and playful side of my personality, coupled with each letter being a different colour, to show my support of multi-racial, multi-religious and multi-cultural harmony, but I was advised against it. Hence, I've gone with the kisses, which incidentally, I was also advised against.
PPPS - If you are male then please ignore the kisses. However, if you are female then please blush with excitement as I am also looking for a girlfriend as well as a job. Please send me details of your loveliness and I will assess your application ASAP. If you do not hear anything within six weeks of submission then please assume your application was unsuccessful. Currently there is only one vacancy for this role, however, if the quality of candidates are high, I will consider creating further vacancies by becoming a Mormon.
Jobson Jobsworth’s CV
I offer a mature and responsible attitude towards working, together with an adaptable approach, which means I can be immature and irresponsible whenever necessary.
My attention to detail is exceptional and my spilling is second to none. I can work effectively under pressure, up to a g-force of 24.
|Dates||Employment & Responsibilities|
|1987 - Present||I have been actively seeking employment.|
|1986 - 1987||Pizza Delivery Guy - Responsibilities included delivering pizzas to people who ordered pizzas and also, to demonstrate my initiative, delivering pizzas to people who didn't order pizzas.|
|1986 - 1987||Pizza Delivery Girl - As above, except - in order to obtain more tips - whilst wearing a rather fetching curly brunette wig and a low-cut top revealing a teasing taste of pec-cleavage.|
|1 Hour in May 1986||Shoe Shop Manager - Responsibilities included ensuring customers buy the right shoes for their feet and measuring their feet with the foot measurer thing. Responsibilities ended when the real manager came back from lunch and told me to get out of his shop.|
|1941 - 1986||
Door-to-Door Inventor - Travelled door-to-door and requested which products people required and invented them on the spot. Yes, on the spot. My most notable inventions were:
1) Self-blowing bubble gum, invented at the request of local idiot, Little Timmy. Little Timmy could never manage to blow bubbles and was ridiculed about this even by people with no mouths; but my new self-blowing bubble gum had the potential to transform Timmy's life as bubbles are 'blown' automatically once moisture is added. However, my invention was severely criticized by the local media after Timmy accidentally swallowed his bubble gum and tragically died after his insides were clogged up with ever-expanding bubble gum. I was very upset about this, because Timmy ruined my chances of selling my product and making a fortune. However, I've forgiven Little Timmy, which I feel highlights the mature and responsible side to my character.
2) Mrs Pilchard of 31 Acacia Road requested that I invent a special button that makes door-to-door callers disappear. I did exactly what she required and yet she never paid me a penny. I was very annoyed about this once I'd made it out of the Nebulai-Kronos dimension.
3) Also invented a time machine, at the request of Squatter Jenkins, who was the most famous squatter in the east side of town because of his distinctively droopy butt-cheeks, which poked out from the bottom of his trouser legs. But despite his world famous butt-cheeks, Squatter Jenkins was not a happy man; he yearned to go back in time to a regrettable moment in his life when he was walking to a bus stop, spotted a cat up a tree and inexplicably threw a brick at it. The cat fell out of the tree with a bump, along with two apples. The poor cat had a limp for life and a severe distrust of humans carrying bricks. Larry the bricklayer, a well-known cat lover, was the biggest casualty of the suspicious looks. He lost his confidence, lost his job and eventually lost his mind as he lived out the rest of his days trying to lick the back of his head. The two apples, if anyone's interested, were eaten later that night by local fox, Fernando Ramirez, who despite his Spanish name and Spanish blood, was British born and bred. If you've ever had the pleasure of meeting him you would've no doubt appreciated the marvellous contradiction between his strong Spanish countenance and his deliciously thick Somerset accent.
Anyway, Squatter Jenkins had regretted this inexplicable act of malice ever since and wanted the chance to put it right. So he used the time machine to go back in time and made sure his earlier self walked past the cat in the tree without even a glance in its direction. And so the cat continued doing what he was doing and killed the sparrow he was stalking. The sparrow was most disappointed as he now missed out on a life of fun and frolics including marrying his sparrow neighbour, Mavis Jenkins (no relation to Squatter Jenkins). Mavis Jenkins spent a lifetime having the feeling that she was missing out on something but couldn't quite put her finger on it. Or rather, her wing on it. Poor Mavis. Meanwhile, Squatter Jenkins' earlier self reached the bus stop earlier as a result of ignoring the cat in the tree, and unfortunately because of this, the bus accidentally ran him over and killed him. And so Squatter Jenkins disappeared from our reality. Which was a shame, as he hadn't paid me yet either.
I was unable to make full use of my marvellous invention and rid the world of it's many woes, as my evil nemesis, Montgomery Harrington, stole my time machine, travelled back in time and prevented Squatter Jenkins from requesting that I invent a time machine. Just to annoy me. So Squatter Jenkins then reappeared, much to his confused happiness. As well as an ecstatic sparrow.
So all this didn't happen. Or did it? Montgomery Harrington needed the time machine in order to stop it from existing. If I didn't invent it, Montgomery Harrington wouldn't have gone back in time and told Squatter Jenkins not to ask for it, so Squatter Jenkins actually would have asked for it to be invented. These time travelling paradoxes hurt my head, I wish I never started it. That gives me an idea, maybe I could make another time machine and go back in time and stop myself from inventing the first one. Yes, great idea, that'll solve everything.
|1934 - 1941||Unemployed - My first experience of the unemployment sector. This time, for a bit of a well-earned break, I was actively avoiding employment.|
|1919 - 1934||Chair - I was a sturdy chair in a busy city centre cafe. Had numerous compliments of being surprisingly comfortable. It was just a shame I couldn't sit on myself. I know this because I tried. Many times.|
|1895 - 1919||Born on 9th October 1895 then spent the first twenty-four years crying and shitting myself.|
|Birth of the Universe - 1894||Didn't exist. Is this too detailed? Maybe I don't need to specify this?|
- Home-Schooled for Secondary Education - My parents ran away from home when I was eleven so I stayed at home and self-taught myself. Afterwards I self-examined myself and achieved 1,999 Grade A distinctions in 2,000 subjects in JJEB (Jobson Jobsworth Examination Board) - a record for JJEB and more qualifications than anyone else ever. The only subject I failed was geography as I didn't know where the exam room was.
- Excellent Primary School Education - Achieved 17 gold stars, 29 silver moons and 364 bronze meteors from my teacher in primary school. Was awarded the prize of a chocolate bar for being top of the year. This shows a determination to succeed at even a young age.
Sadly I subsequently lost the chocolate bar to my classmate, Montgomery Harrington, who ate it in front of me, and then shat it back into the wrapper the next day. Unfortunately I got the blame for it and the teacher never gave me a chocolate bar ever again. Or anything that was vaguely shitinable either. Is that a word? It should be, it's quite useful as I've just demonstrated. Anyway, I realised that day that Montgomery Harrington was destined to be my nemesis and he's been a blight on my life ever since.
I also called the teacher 'mum' once which was very embarrassing.
- Nursery - Learnt soft skills such as not falling over when walking and putting food into my mouth rather than up my nostrils. Learnt an increasingly populated vocabulary including the word 'share' and so I regularly took my classmates' food.
- Achieved 17 gold stars, 29 silver moons and 364 bronze meteors in primary school (see above).
- I am an experienced first-aider with only two deaths to my name.
- My greatest ever achievement was receiving the Greatest Ever Achievement award from my peers. The Greatest Ever Achievement award was given to me in recognition of me accomplishing my greatest ever achievement.
I have a keen interest in languages and I am currently learning Esperanto as I plan to move to sunny Esperanta when I retire. The Esperantans are such a welcoming and friendly race, I'm surprised more people don't move there.
I also have a keen interest in pornography and I enjoy masturbating on a regular basis. This has enabled me to learn time management skills and working within a deadline as my son is only out of the house for short periods.
I am an experienced and skillful drinker. My drink of choice is a single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch, because of its high quality. Just like me. That is, I'm trying to say that I'm high quality, I'm not saying I'm a high quality whisky. And just to be clear, I am not a whisky of any quality. Anyway, I sincerely hope my high quality shines through.
I'm also a firm believer in charity work and so I'm very pleased when other people do it.
Additionally, I have an excellently inventive and fertile imagination, and have even successfully created an imaginary character - my son, Stirling Jobsworth. This is something few people can say they have ever achieved. While I'm on the subject, is there a suitable vacancy for him at your company? It would be handy if we worked at the same location as we could car share and take it in turns to drive. I enjoy it when Stirling drives as I can relax and go to sleep.
Well, now that you bring it up, I don't like working with people called Peter Pissbottom as they always try to make my life difficult. So I would be very grateful if you could arrange for any Peter Pissbottoms to be fired, relocated or, in fact, disposed of in any way you see fit. The last Peter Pissbottom I worked with kept farting on my food. And the one before that kept stapling my clothes to my chair. And the one before that kept urinating on my face. It's very distracting when I'm in meetings with important clients.
Also, I'm not too keen on sprouts, they give me wind. Just thinking ahead to the office Christmas party. Put me down for extra carrots instead please.
As for my postal address, I usually spend my days in a variety of Jobcentres, and my nights in the modern 24/7 ones.
Or just speak to my son, Stirling, as he always seems to know where I am - he has this strange sixth sense or something. Even when I went on a one-man vacation to sunny Esperanta, he appeared on the very first day, much to my annoyance. However, I forgave him for his intrusion as he was sporting a pair of rather hilarious bermuda shorts with matching socks. So I shared my Glenbenloch with him and we wrestled the night away.
References are available on the third request.
Achievements Which I Forgot To Put In
The Achievements Section
Currently hold the British record for the longest CV.
Contact Details Which I Forgot To Put In
The Contact Details Section
You could always try shouting out my name in Tesco as I am often there perusing the bargains in the reduced section. It works every time when I try it anyway.
Leisure Interests Which I Forgot To Put In
The Leisure Interests Section
Any Other Business
Will I be penalized if I have my clothes on back to front in the interview? Last week I let my son Stirling dress me in my suit to give him some experience as he wants to be a butler and personal groomer. But he's not the brightest and he forgot which side my face was so he put my clothes on back to front. Now I can't reach behind myself to unbutton my shirt so I'm permanently stuck like this. It's not too bad most of the time but sleeping is a little more uncomfortable and I don't feel as agile as I used to when I'm playing football. But at least I'm ready for an interview at a moment's notice so feel free to surprise me with a time-critical appointment. I apologise in advance for the smell.
Hold on, this Any Other Business section shouldn't even be on a CV, this is for meetings and stuff like that. Note to self: delete this section as the last thing I want to do is sound like a moron on my job application.
As I'm going to delete this section I could write down any stupid thing that I've done in the past and it won't matter. I once looked at my watch. Not so moronic in itself, but I was holding a glass of wine at the time. A second later I was holding an empty glass, whilst standing over a wine stain on the floor. But looking on the positive side, I did know the time.
Oh my giddy aunt, I can see my nemesis, Montgomery Harrington; I better dash before he sees me. Must remember to delete this section after I cowardly run away!
Oh, no, he's got Stirling - he's kidnapped Stirling! This is terrible. Poor Stirling, he's a goner now. Oh well, I'll just have to create yet another imaginary son. It's annoying, Montgomery Harrington is always kidnapping my imaginary offspring. He probably doesn't have the imagination to create them himself. Which might mean he himself is imaginary? Created by some irresponsible loon in order to sabotage my every move? It's frustrating that I'll probably never know.
I think I need a sit down after all this stress, I feel a bit light-headed. A break would do me good. I think I'll go to sunny Esperanta for a few weeks, it always makes me feel better. At least now I won't have to worry about Stirling turning up unannounced.
Fingers crossed on the job.
Now then, where's my Glenbenloch?
If you think Jobson is suitable for a role at your company then contact him on twitter. Please state salary, all benefits and whether or not he's allowed to arrive late. He'll reply promptly unless he's on holiday in Esperanta.
Jobson Jobsworth loves jobseeking but he also loves The Apprentice. If only there was a way to combine the two...
Hold on, there is! Read Jobson's Apprentice Application here! Or rather, there!