We Are All Badgers Home Page
Welcome to We Are All Badgers - the UK's favourite Badger-Related Comedy Site, as voted by readers of What Badger-Related Comedy Site? magazine. Written by comedian and celebrity badger, Big Cheese Badger, with help from his paw-picked team of hardworking, highly trained badgers. And some humans too as Big Cheese Badger is proud to run a species equal opportunity workplace. Oh, and one pork-based person.
We Are All Badgers has grown from humble beginnings as a little place to store Big Cheese Badger's random comedy, because keeping all those random thoughts in his head was hurting his brain, to become today a multi-award-winning comedy website. Granted, the awards are from the annual We Are All Badgers award ceremonies, but Big Cheese Badger says they still count.
So who is Big Cheese Badger? Well, he made his name on the Badgerville stand-up comedy scene, which was actually called the crouching scene due to the small tunnels. He is one of the pioneers of "badger humour", which is remarkably similar to "human humour", except it has around 5.92% more mentions of badgers per square inch. Humans and badgers have long since had a strong connection to each other and it's this shared sense of humour that forms the basis of this strong bond.
Despite his growing celebrity badger status Big Cheese Badger keeps himself grounded by helping change people's lives for the better through his work with one of the UK's favourite charities, Badger The Government. Founded in 2019 by Big Cheese Badger himself to campaign against unfair government policies and to force the authorities to take action on the issues that really matter to people, like renaming beans on toast to toast under beans and free Bavarian apple strudels for under fives.
Badgerville is in Badgerland, which hit the headlines recently after being the fifth country to join the United Kingdom. The United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Badgerland is finally a reality after years of tireless campaigning by Big Cheese Badger and his Badger The Government movement; and to reward his efforts he's just been appointed First Minister of Badgerland. Big Cheese Badger has no knowledge or experience of running a country but he knows he'll at least be better at it than Boris Johnson.
Badgerland differs from most countries in that there are no actual physical borders to the land, so all badgers live in Badgerland, wherever they are in the world. It's more a state of mind, or to be more precise, ahem, a country of mind, rather than a physical place. But don't worry, humans can live in Badgerland too as honorary badgers; you just have to live a badger's badgerly way of life, do some badgering now and again and generally be very badgersome - then you're in!
Badgers are thoughtful, curious and playful creatures. We have good morals and we treat people with respect. OK, we might occasionally dig up a neighbour's lawn or chase a Springwatch presenter through a forest for five miles pretending to be a raving lunatic, but we all have a good laugh about it afterwards. Badgers know that, no matter our differences, we are all equal; and we hope that one day everyone will realise this. As a wise badger once said: "We are all different, we are all equal... we are all badgers."
We Are All Badgers is now recommended by health professionals as one of your five-a-day as part of a balanced reading diet. Peruse these pages for stories, news, games, quizzes, competitions and, maybe coming soon, prizes. For your safety and peace of mind We Are All Badgers fully complies with UK law on silly websites and we have made our own unconvincing certificate out of paper and felt pen as per the regulations. Feel free to contact us about absolutely anything; unlike other companies we welcome pointless questions which waste our time.
Please note We Are All Badgers contains material unsuitable for those under the age of 0. Anyone under the age of 0 found on this website will be reported immediately to their parents. Or rather, their soon-to-be parents; which is actually an embarrassing and frustrating conversation at best, especially if they haven't met each other yet.
Do you have something and also want something? If that's a yes then Swap Club is the perfect place for you! Browse our listings and contact fellow readers through the We Are All Badgers' secure portal here.
Big Cheese Badger is in charge of Swap Club, contact him for all Swap Club related matters including if the Swap Club link back there doesn't work. Or this one here.
- Swap Club complies with all current UK Swap Club rules and regulations, including post-Brexit amendments.
- Swap Club is run responsibly and er, thickly. I mean ethically.
- Swap Club can be addictive. When the fun stops, stop.
Big Cheese Badger is trying his very best to promote Swap Club with an aggressive marketing campaign and he's created a catchy new Swap Club slogan:
"The first rule of Swap Club is: You do not talk about Swap Club. The second rule of Swap Club is: Ignore the first rule of Swap Club and talk about Swap Club otherwise you won't make any swaps."
New from the We Are All Badgers shop: buy the hilariously funny joke corner to confuse your friends and bemuse your enemies. Simply place the joke corner in the centre of any room and wait for your chosen victim to enter...
Then watch their understanding of three-dimensional space disappear before your very eyes. They'll be researching n-dimensional space before you can say "is the temporal dimension unaffected?"
Warning: May create physicists.
Tip Of The Day
Do you want your snail mail delivered faster and at no extra cost?
Well, just write "To be delivered by Badger Post" on your envelope or parcel and because postmen and postwomen are badger fans they will prioritize your mail.
So second class mail will be upgraded to first class; and first class mail will be upgraded to what's called zeroth class mail, which basically means the postie will sprint to the house!
Club Of The Month
The popular new pastime of grey squirrel hunting is currently sweeping the nation! Everyone's doing it and, don't worry, it's all for a good cause - to save the beloved British red squirrel from extinction! They really need our help against their larger, stronger cousins.
Now you can do your bit - join your local Grey Squirrel Hunting Club and start hunting! No squirrel killing experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Choose from a variety of supplied weaponry including pistols, rifles and rocket launchers.
The clubs are also child-friendly with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Click there for your free Grey Squirrel Kills Log Sheet to keep an accurate record of your squirrel kills.
As an incentive We Are All Badgers is running the official competition to find the first grey squirrel hunter to reach 1,000 kills. Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes of five tins of tuna, pre-opened for your convenience. Please allow ten working days for delivery. Good luck!
Notice Of Compliance
We Are All Badgers fully complies with UK law on silly websites. We have full global accreditation with the Online Internet Website Act 1905.
In accordance with the above laws all visitors with leather teeth and five eyebrows must be accompanied by a responsible adult gorilla carrying a slice of rye bread.
Those not complying with the law will be apprehended by the internet police, Interpol, and imprisoned up their own left nostril.
The classified section is now classified. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
A Pointless Heading
And this is a sample of pointless text under the pointless heading.
On This Day In . . . 1996
This very day 25 years ago marked the beginning of the devastating Great British Toilet Shortage where we saw the horrific consequences of a rapidly increasing population living in a country with a severe lack of toilet facilities.
These days we take it for granted that everyone has access to a good quality poopary but it was a different world back then when the sudden shortage resulted in honest, hard-working citizens having to poop into anything they could get their hands on like buckets, pots, hats, shoes, saucepans, cupboards, drawers underneath beds, kettles, toasters, cut-in-half footballs, pre-homo-sapien-made bowl-shaped objects, family heirlooms, priceless crowns and even their own cornflakes!
Of course, that was only half the problem as the turd had to be disposed of afterwards. It's been estimated that at any one time a staggering 85% of the Great British population were carrying around excrement in their pockets hoping they'd find a vacant toilet to dispose of it in. If you've ever found poop in an old charity shop trouser pocket now you know why.
So to prevent this crisis from ever happening again, We Are All Badgers has come up with a simple yet effective solution - but we need your help! We need every concerned citizen to add an "i" to the middle of every "To Let" sign they can find, creating millions of brand-new toilets instantly! And feel free to try out your new toilet as the presence of poop will encourage others to do the same. Act now before it's too late! Or should we say tooilate?
- In this month's newsletter Big Cheese Badger called Small Cheese Badger a perforated schlindering boilsnatch. He meant to say perforated schlundering boilsnatch. We apologise for any offence caused.
- In the corrections section of last month's newsletter the thirty-first correction was mistakenly corrected and needs to be uncorrected.
- Seven thousand, three hundred and fifty-two previous corrections have been archived. For access to the We Are All Badgers Corrections Archives subscriptions start at just twenty pounds per month for standard access. Please note cancellations are not possible.
Badgerland Unnecessary Detail
Badgerland has several settlements of note: the small village of Badgerville, the bustling town of Badgerton and the sprawling metropolis of Badgeropolis. It has two counties, Badgershire and the city and county of Badgeropolis.
The flag of Badgerland consists of two vertical black stripes on a white background, like this website but without the writing, so the updated Union Flag as you'd expect now has two vertical black stripes over it. We look forward to seeing it at the next Olympic games, hopefully draped around a victorious badger!