Welcome to We Are All Badgers and thanks for popping in. We are a badger-run comedy site that's not just for badgers; in fact whatever species you happen to be you are most welcome here. Before you go any further please read and agree to our terms and conditions below, just click to expand. And if you're unfamiliar with how to use comedy sites then we recommend reading our instruction manual for your own safety.
Please read and agree to our Terms and Conditions below. If you have your own Terms and Conditions that you need us to agree to then let us know asap.
- Treat your fellow visitors with respect, even though you can't see them or hear them.
- No shouting or swearing unless it's to the person next to you who's trying to stick their finger up your left nostril.
- No farting unless it's a fart-laugh combo.
- We accept no responsibility for any injury or death that occurs whilst reading this site. Any correspondence on the matter from dead people will be ignored.
- We accept no responsibility for time wasted from reading this site. Letters demanding compensation with be burnt. Online claims will be printed-out then burnt.
To accept these Terms and Conditions press this button here. Hold on, sorry, the button's been moved... Ah, there it is, it's inside the left nostril of the person next to you. To press the button simply stick your finger up their left nostril until you hear a beep. Just make sure you explain the situation CLEARLY to them otherwise they might shout and swear at you.
Stumbling unaware into unfamiliar comedy sites can be dangerous, we always recommend reading the instruction manual first, even if you're an experienced comedy site visitor. Please follow these steps to keep safe and well:
- Make sure you wear appropriate loose-fitting clothing. Don't worry if you don't have any loose-fitting clothing, just borrow some clothes from someone nearby who's slightly larger than you.
- Warm up your brain by shaking it around for a few minutes. Ignore any strange looks you get from other people or if you're in the dentist's chair ignore the dentist's confused and annoyed look.
- Begin reading the comedy site but be aware from now on you'll have to make a series of (possibly stressful) decisions on whether or not to laugh. If you decide to laugh, after weighing up the pros and cons, then you may choose from a chuckle, chortle or snort. We recommend the snort only be used by experienced users. If, after weighing up the pros and cons, you decide not to laugh, then you may choose from a grimace, gurn or react with spontaneous (and possibly excessive) anger. Once you've acted out your chosen decision you may then proceed to read the next sentence on the page. Repeat the above instructions until you get bored or pass out.
- Don't forget to make sure you are comfortable throughout. A seat inclination angle of 38 degrees is recommended for optimum reading comfort. However, don't relax too much as you risk closing your eyes then you won't be able to see the screen any more. If this happens then don't worry, simply open your eyes again and continue reading.
We hope this instruction manual has been useful and you now have the confidence to begin reading this comedy site on your own. If you need further help or guidance then don't hesitate to contact Big Cheese Badger on twitter. If it's an emergency, maybe you need to know if pooping mid-joke is allowed or you're about to burp and you're unsure if you're allowed to combine it with a chortle to make a burtle, then make sure you use the hashtag #Emergency!HelpMeWithMyRidiculousProblem! The hashtag is linked to his alarm on his watch so even if he's asleep he can be woken up instantly and then he'll do his best to help you with whatever ridiculous emergency situation you find yourself in.
If you've found this instruction manual helpful then you have our permission to print it out and keep for future reference (and be aware it can be used for any comedy site not just We Are All Badgers). Just press this print button here: Great decision. That's now printed out for you by our brand-new superfast laser printer in our satellite office located at what3words: ///badger.wasted.printout. Please be responsible and pick up your printout, it really does irk us when people print stuff out then don't even bother to pick it up.
We Are All Badgers is run by comedian and celebrity badger, Big Cheese Badger, and his paw picked team. We're glad you've chosen us over all the other badger-related comedy sites, we know it's a crowded, competitive market. We're proud to announce we're now the UK's 15th favourite Badger-Related Comedy Site, as voted by readers of industry-leading publication, What Badger-Related Comedy Site? magazine.
Our continued success demonstrates our commitment to the badger-related comedy sector and also the random, ridiculous, silly, surreal, alternative sub-sector. Please be assured the team is highly dedicated and always strives to improve; we have written more than twenty thousand different ridiculous sentences and made up hundreds of brand-new ridiculous words. And as a result of all our hard work Big Cheese Badger is happy to announce we're now 5% funnier than this time last year.
We're always eager to add to the team here at We Are All Badgers, so if you're interested in joining us then get in touch. (Check out our Meet The Team page to see who you'd be working with.) We offer a competitive salary and a comprehensive benefits package for all our employees. This includes free daily access to our office, usual price is £5 for visitors. And there's no need to bring in your own drinks as you'll enjoy free unlimited refills from our water butt. Salary will be above the industry average and will be paid in sporks and square inches of lino.
We are so confident this is an unbeatable industry-leading package, if you can find another badger-related comedy site that offers a better package then we'll double your salary! That's right, just imagine it, you'd earn more sporks and square inches of lino than you'd know what to do with! If you're interested, tweet Big Cheese Badger with ref #IWantSporksAndLino.
Disclaimer: Please note some of the content on We Are All Badgers might offend some people. If you are easily offended then close your eyes, and don't interact with anybody or anything ever again, just in case. But if you really feel the need to complain then contact Big Cheese Badger; maybe the lack of cupboard jokes has irked you or the limited use of the word pistachio has angered your fragile mind? Remember, always use the hashtag #GenuineAndImportantComplaint so that we know the complaint is genuine and important otherwise we might accidentally ignore it.
Who is Big Cheese Badger?
Big Cheese Badger made his name on the Badgerville stand-up comedy scene, which was actually called the crouching scene due to the small tunnels.
It was during this time he started We Are All Badgers, which has grown from humble beginnings as a little place to store Big Cheese Badger's random comedy (because keeping all those random thoughts in his head was hurting his brain), to become today a much larger place to store Big Cheese Badger's random comedy.
Despite his growing celebrity badger status Big Cheese Badger keeps himself grounded through his work with one of the UK's favourite charities, Badger The Government. Founded in 2019 by Big Cheese Badger himself to campaign for Government action on the issues that really matter to people, like renaming beans on toast to toast under beans and free Bavarian apple strudels for under fives.
If you have any random, silly, funny, ridiculous or crazy thoughts that you'd like to discuss then feel free to contact Big Cheese Badger on twitter. And for anything unimportant contact Small Cheese Badger.
We've recently had a website make-over and we're pleased to inform you we now look more like a badger. Well, OK, it's just two black badgery stripes but to us it's like looking in the mirror. (Yes, ahem, we may well have text in the middle of our faces.)
Desktop viewers will be able to see this in all its badgery glory, while those viewing on mobile devices will still see the black badgery stripes but they'll have to scroll down to the bottom and they'll be slightly less badgery as they'll be at a right angle to the page. More like a collapsed badger on the floor, with a differently-proportioned face, but still a badger though.
Age Restricted Content
We Are All Badgers contains material unsuitable for those under the age of 0. Anyone under the age of 0 found on this website will be reported immediately to their parents, or rather, their soon-to-be parents. Which is actually an embarrassing and frustrating conversation at best, especially if they haven't met yet.
- We are sorry to inform you our 24/7 emergency lino information hotline has been suspended due to lack of staff and lack of interest. We apologise for any inconvenience caused. But please be assured that our 24/7 emergency spork information hotline is running as normal.
- Big Cheese Badger invites you to an important march through London as he tirelessly campaigns for action on the issues that really matter to people. Join him this Saturday as he once again campaigns to rename Beans On Toast to Toast Under Beans. Just look for the stripey faced guy walking on his own in the middle of the road.
Tip Of The Day
Do you want your snail mail delivered faster and at no extra cost?
Well, just write "To be delivered by Badger Post" on your envelope or parcel and because postmen and postwomen are badger fans they will prioritize your mail.
So second class mail will be upgraded to first class; and first class mail will be upgraded to what's called zeroth class mail, which basically means the postie will sprint to the house!
Do you have something and also want something? If that's a yes then Swap Club is the perfect place for you! Browse our listings and contact fellow readers through the We Are All Badgers' secure portal here.
Big Cheese Badger is in charge of Swap Club, contact him for all Swap Club related matters including if the Swap Club link back there doesn't work.
- Swap Club complies with all current UK Swap Club rules and regulations, including post-Brexit amendments.
- Swap Club is run responsibly and er, thickly. I mean ethically.
- Swap Club can be addictive. When the fun stops, stop.
Big Cheese Badger is currently promoting Swap Club with an aggressive marketing campaign and he's created a catchy new Swap Club slogan:
"The first rule of Swap Club is: You do not talk about Swap Club. The second rule of Swap Club is: Ignore the first rule of Swap Club and talk about Swap Club otherwise you won't make any swaps."
Notice Of Compliance
We Are All Badgers fully complies with UK law on silly websites. We have full global accreditation with the Online Internet Website Act 1905.
We are regulated by Ofbadger, the UK's badger-related comedy site regulator. As per Ofbadger regulations all visitors with leather teeth and five eyebrows must be accompanied by a responsible adult gorilla carrying a slice of rye bread.
Those not complying with the law will be apprehended by the internet police, Interpol, and imprisoned up their own left nostril.
New from the We Are All Badgers shop: buy the hilariously funny joke corner to confuse your friends and bemuse your enemies. Simply place the joke corner in the centre of any room and wait for your chosen victim to enter...
Then watch their understanding of three-dimensional space disappear before your very eyes. They'll be researching n-dimensional space before you can say "is the temporal dimension unaffected?"
Warning: May create physicists.
The classified section is now classified. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Club Of The Month
The popular new pastime of grey squirrel hunting is currently sweeping the nation! Everyone's doing it and, don't worry, it's all for a good cause - to save the beloved British red squirrel from extinction! They really need our help against their larger, stronger cousins.
Now you can do your bit - join your local Grey Squirrel Hunting Club and start hunting! No squirrel killing experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Choose from a variety of supplied weaponry including pistols, rifles and rocket launchers.
The clubs are also child-friendly with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Click there for your free Grey Squirrel Kills Log Sheet to keep an accurate record of your squirrel kills.
As an incentive We Are All Badgers is running the official competition to find the first grey squirrel hunter to reach 1,000 kills. Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes of five tins of tuna, pre-opened for your convenience. Please allow ten working days for delivery. Good luck!
Badgerville is in Badgerland, which hit the headlines recently as the fifth country to join the United Kingdom. The United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Badgerland is finally a reality after years of tireless campaigning by Big Cheese Badger and his Badger The Government movement. And to reward his efforts he's just been appointed First Minister of Badgerland! Big Cheese Badger has no knowledge or experience of running a country but he knows he'll at least be better at it than Boris Johnson.
Badgerland differs from most countries in that there are no actual physical borders to the land, so all badgers live in Badgerland, wherever they are in the world. It's more a state of mind, or to be more precise, ahem, a country of mind, rather than a physical place. But don't worry, humans can live in Badgerland too as honorary badgers; you just have to live a badger's badgerly way of life, do some badgering now and again and generally be very badgersome - then you're in!
Badgers are thoughtful, curious and playful creatures. We have good morals and we treat people with respect. OK, we might occasionally dig up a neighbour's lawn or chase a Springwatch presenter through a forest for five miles pretending to be a raving lunatic, but we all have a good laugh about it afterwards. Badgers know that, no matter our differences, we are all worthy; and we hope that one day everyone will realise this. As a wise badger once said: "We are all different, we are all worthy... we are all badgers."
So come and visit Badgerland and if you like it feel free to stay. After all, house prices are reasonable here, unlike the rest of the UK.
And Some Unnecessary Detail
Badgerland has several settlements of note: the cosy village of Badgerville, the bustling town of Badgerton and the sprawling metropolis of Badgeropolis. It has two counties, Badgershire and the city and county of Badgeropolis.
The flag of Badgerland consists of two vertical black stripes on a white background, like this website (on a monitor) but without the writing, so the updated Union Flag now has two vertical black stripes on top of it. We look forward to seeing the updated flag at the next Olympic games, hopefully draped around a victorious badger Olympian!
- In this month's newsletter Big Cheese Badger called Small Cheese Badger a perforated schlindering boilsnatch. He meant to say perforated schlundering boilsnatch. We apologise for any offence caused.
- In the corrections section of last month's newsletter the thirty-first correction was mistakenly corrected and needs to be uncorrected.
- Seven thousand, three hundred and fifty-two previous corrections have been archived. For access to the We Are All Badgers Corrections Archives subscriptions start at just twenty pounds per month for standard access. Please note cancellations are not possible.
On This Day In . . . 1997
This very day 25 years ago marked the beginning of the devastating Great British Toilet Shortage where we saw the horrific consequences of a rapidly increasing population living in a country with a severe lack of toilet facilities.
These days we take it for granted that everyone has access to a good quality poopary but it was a different world back then when the sudden shortage resulted in honest, hard-working citizens having to poop into anything they could get their hands on like buckets, pots, hats, shoes, saucepans, cupboards, drawers underneath beds, kettles, toasters, cut-in-half footballs, pre-homo-sapien-made bowl-shaped objects, family heirlooms, priceless crowns and even their own cornflakes!
Of course, that was only half the problem as the turd had to be disposed of afterwards. It's been estimated that at any one time a staggering 85% of the Great British population were carrying around excrement in their pockets hoping they'd find a vacant toilet to dispose of it in. If you've ever found poop in an old charity shop trouser pocket now you know why.
So to prevent this crisis from ever happening again, We Are All Badgers has come up with a simple yet effective solution - but we need your help! We need every concerned citizen to add an "i" to the middle of every "To Let" sign they can find, creating millions of brand-new toilets instantly! And feel free to try out your new toilet as the presence of poop will encourage others to do the same. Act now before it's too late! Or should we say tooilate?