Welcome to We Are All Badgers - the UK's number one Slightly-Badger-Related Comedy Site, as voted by readers of What Slightly-Badger-Related Comedy Site? magazine. Peruse these pages for slightly-badger-related stories, games, quizzes, competitions and, coming soon, prizes!
We Are All Badgers is written by comedian and celebrity badger, Big Cheese Badger, and his paw picked team. You've probably heard of him as he's always on the TV these days, especially popular comedy panel shows like 8 Out of 10 Badgers, Have I Got Badgers For You and Never Mind The Badgercocks, but he made his name in the underground stand-up comedy scene, which is actually called the crouching scene due to the small tunnels.
While Big Cheese Badger enjoys living the celebrity badger lifestyle he keeps himself grounded by helping to change people's lives for the better through his work with one of the UK's most popular charities, Badger The Government. Founded in 2010 by Big Cheese Badger himself to force the Government to take action on the issues that really matter to people, like renaming beans on toast to toast under beans and free Bavarian apple strudels for under fives.
But despite his busy schedule Big Cheese Badger always finds time to work at the We Are All Badgers office with his team of random comedy experts. We Are All Badgers has grown from humble beginnings - created as an offline place to store Big Cheese Badger's random comedy because keeping all those random thoughts in his head was hurting his brain - into an online place to store Big Cheese Badger's random comedy. If you have any random comedy thoughts you'd like to get off your chest then contact Big Cheese Badger, for anything unimportant contact Small Cheese Badger.
Do you want your mail delivered faster and at no extra cost? Well, just write "To be delivered by Badger Post" on your envelope or parcel and because postmen and postwomen are badger fans they will prioritize your mail. So second class mail will be upgraded to first class; and first class mail will be upgraded to zeroth class, which basically involves the postie sprinting to the house.
New from the We Are All Badgers shop: buy the hilariously funny joke corner to confuse your friends and bemuse your enemies. Simply place the joke corner in the centre of a room then wait for your chosen victim to enter and watch their understanding of three-dimensional space disappear before your very eyes. They'll be researching n-dimensional space before you can say "is the temporal dimension unaffected?"
Warning: May create physicists.
Today’s Internet Tip of the Day
When opening new pages right-click the link and choose Open in New Tab so as to not navigate away from the original page. Thanks to Mother Teresa, humanitarian and internet wizard, for this handy tip, obtained through our resident medium, Miss Bovine Smith. The lovely Bovine will return soon with an all-new regular column "Tips from the Deceased".
Grey Squirrel Hunting
Recently, you may have seen some of our supporters (identifiably clad in official We Are All Badgers t-shirts) hiding in bushes with big guns. If so, DO NOT BE ALARMED - they are merely partaking in the new sport of grey squirrel hunting! You may well know of the plight of the beloved British red squirrel, bruised and battered by its larger grey cousin, they are being driven to extinction. Something must be done to ensure the survival of the red squirrel so that's why we've started hunting and slaughtering their grey kinsfolk!
Now you can do your bit - join your local Grey Squirrel Slaughtering Club and start hunting! No squirrel killing experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Choose from a variety of supplied weaponry including pistols, rifles and rocket launchers. The clubs are also child-friendly with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Click there for your free Grey Squirrel Kills Log Sheet to keep an accurate record of your squirrel kills. As an incentive, We Are All Badgers is running the official competition to find the first grey squirrel hunter to reach 1,000 kills! Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes of five tins of tuna, pre-opened for your convenience. Please allow 10 working days for delivery. Good luck!
No More Toilet Shortages!
The Great Toilet Shortage of 1985 saw the horrific consequences of a rising population in a country with a severe lack of toilet facilities. These days we take it for granted that everyone has access to a good quality poopary but it was a different world back then when the sudden shortage resulted in honest, hardworking citizens having to poop in a bucket or in their hat or sometimes even in the toaster. Disposing of it afterwards was also a major problem, with an estimated 90% of the population at any one time carrying excrement around in their pockets until they could find a vacant toilet to dispose of it in. If you've ever found poop in an old charity shop trouser pocket now you know why.
So to prevent this crisis from ever happening again, We Are All Badgers has come up with a simple yet effective solution - but we need your help! We need every concerned and capable adult to add an "i" to every "To Let" sign they can find thereby creating millions of brand-new toilets instantly! And feel free to try out your new toilet as the presence of poop will encourage others to do the same. Act now before it's too late! Or should we say tooilate?
The Origin of the Word "Badger"
The word 'badger' is derived from the Latin verb 'badgia', meaning 'to badger', and found its way into the English language by hot-air balloon in the early 2nd Century. The hot-air balloon crash-landed in a forest due to the embarrassing realisation that it hadn't been invented yet. The wreckage was found by Brenda, a member of a race of black and white nocturnal mammals called twonks, and she rescued the injured word and nursed it back to health. The word was so grateful for her kindness that it offered itself as a name for Brenda's race - and so the twonks became the now excellently named badgers!
Badgers have since become the envy of all races because of their great name. Humans, with their boring name, have been especially jealous and have tried numerous times to steal the name for themselves. The most recent was the attempted extermination of all badgers under the guise of a supposed "TB cull". This attempt failed and so the badgers are still badgers and the humans are still stupid.
There are still some nice, non-murderous humans around that are happy to live side-by-side with the badgers and, together with Big Cheese Badger, they have come up with a plan to suit all parties: badgers get to keep their name and humans get to say the word "badger" more often. The idea is that the word badger can replace any word as long as the meaning is still understood. Such as "brrr, it's badger!" when you are shivering with cold. Or "pass me the badger" when you are reaching for the tv remote. So maybe there is still hope for badger-human co-existence after all? We badger hope so!
As it is a month of the year we have introduced an exciting new raffle into the fray. Enter now for your chance to win the top prize of £10,000 or 5 runner-up prizes of £1,000. Tickets cost just £10,000 each. Apply at the usual address. Good luck!