The Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club

Tommy Tomkins is probably the greatest person who has ever lived and will ever live. So what better way to honour such a great man than by joining the Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club.

The Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club membership pack includes:

• The title 'Official Fan Of The Great And Wonderful Tommy Tomkins' will be yours. At last you will be able to write the letters OFOTGAWTT after your name.
• You will have an overwhelming feeling of joy in your heart as you will be part of great and wondrous body of people.
• You will feel closer to Tommy Tomkins than you ever have before.
• You will have renewed inner confidence and will be able to now do all those things that you kept meaning to do but were too afraid to.
• An opportunity to buy 'Being Tommy - The Tommy Tomkins Story' by Chester Chucklenuts at the discounted price of £10. Normal price is £10 and three eyebrow hairs.
• And if that wasn't enough you'll also receive a signed membership certificate with an image of Tommy Tomkins in the top left hand corner!

So how much does it cost to join? we hear you cry. Just £27.19 per month. Plus VAT. Plus Capital Gains Tax. Plus Badger Tax. Don't worry if that sounds excessive. It is, but just don't worry about it.

Big Cheese Badger was given the honour of running the fan club by Tommy himself and he does so with pride and dignity. Subscriptions to the Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club are noncancellable and are for life. If you cannot continue payments then you forfeit your life and will become Big Cheese Badger's slave. You will spend the rest of your days wiping trifle off his face and buttoning his waistcoats.

So what are you waiting for? Join now!

An extract from "Being Tommy - The Tommy Tomkins Story" by Chester Chucklenuts

It was at the tender age of just nine years old when Tommy Tomkins realised he was someone very special. It all began one morning when one of Tommy's friends asked him for a signed photo. Tommy was surprised at this strange request but was too polite to refuse.

Later that day Tommy handed out a batch of signed photos to classmates to see what would happen. It was met with much giddy excitement and was the talk of the day. Afternoon lessons were cancelled as no-one - including the teachers - could concentrate. Every anniversary of that great day is now celebrated globally with an afternoon off lessons so every January 12th feel free to walk out of your classroom and go home.

Tommy was, of course, pleased with the reaction of his fellow humans to his signed photos so he did the same thing the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that. In fact, everyday since he has given out signed photos of himself. And he always carries spares about his person so he can make someone's day with a surprise gift. His rivals came and went, they didn't have that star quality; now their signed photos litter the streets like toxic waste with not even binmen wanting to pick them up.

Meanwhile, Tommy's fanbase was going from strength to strength and after some time Tommy decided to release a range of products upon which to adorn his image. He started with posters and duvet covers then progressed to wallpaper and carpets and soon he had released so many products you could decorate a whole room in Tommy's image. And that's when he released the Tommy Tomkins full body-suit so that you yourself would not feel out of place in such a magnificent room.

At this stage, of course, there was still no Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club and his fans would send him thousands of requests every day begging him to set one up. Tommy, a modest man as we know, felt embarrassed by this and always politely declined. But after the five-year-long Great Tommy Tomkins Street Protest of 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005 in the heart of London, attended by 187 billion Tommy Tomkins fans, Tommy changed his mind. He realised that this meant a lot to people and so the Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club was born.

The Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club has gone on to become the most successful fan club in the world. Every other fan club has since been humanely destroyed due to a complete lack of interest.

A very interesting fact, and one that all Tommy fans will know, is that Tommy is short for Tomothy and not Thomas. The name is of Celtic origin and is rapidly gaining popularity among new humans. It has been said by industry experts in a few generations time everyone in the world will be called Tomothy, male or female. And even pets. And every character in every book and every film. Even dead people will be renamed. And even inanimate objects like spoons, sporks and undercrackers. In fact, everything will be renamed Tomothy. A fitting honour for a great and wonderful man. And not confusing at all.

These days Tommy likes to keep a low profile and lives a quiet life with his loving wife, Betty the Badger. But his popularity continues to rise and not even an explicit sex-tape of him and his wife could tarnish his reputation. These days his tireless charity work with the homeless takes up most of his spare time as he usually hands out around a hundred signed photos to them every single day. That's right, he never even takes a day off from his selfless work. What a man. What a hero.

Quotes from our many satisfied members:

So isn't it time you joined the Official Tommy Tomkins Fan Club? Join now for only £79.43 per month. Plus VAT. Plus Capital Gains Tax. Plus Badger Tax. Due to inflation the price has increased since you started reading this page. So hurry, join now before it gets any higher!