Meet The Team
How would you like to meet the team behind We Are All Badgers? Just enter our exclusive competition for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit the We Are All Badgers office and meet the team in person. To enter simply tell us who is your least favourite We Are All Badgers member of staff and why you don't like them.
Please note entering our premises is done at your own risk as we cannot guarantee your safety due to at least one member of staff hating you.
In the unlikely event you're not familiar with the We Are All Badgers team, here's a quick who's who:
- Big Cheese Badger is the Big Cheese at We Are All Badgers. Small Cheese Badger nearly got the job but something wasn't quite right. Big Cheese Badger's main responsibilities include putting words in different orders and drawing like a five-year-old. In his spare time he likes to hide inside oranges and jump out when people least expect it.
- Medium Cheese Badger is our second-in-command or to give him his official title, Vice Big Cheese. He takes over the top job when Big Cheese Badger is ill or phones in sick pretending to be ill. In his spare time Medium Cheese Badger lurks at bus stops and tries to poo into random people's shopping bags without them noticing.
- Small Cheese Badger is officially our last-in-command, it's not the most demanding of positions but he still feels the weight of responsibility weighing heavy on his shoulders. Small Cheese Badger unwinds by licking worms, blowing in cats' arses and spreading jam onto live rats.
- Bertha Badger is our security chief. It's her responsibility to lock the front door at night.
- We're proud to have the country's most successful professional jobseeker, Jobson Jobsworth, working with us in an advisory capacity. He has vast experience in the sector and is the proud holder of the Jobseeker of the Year award, twenty-five years running. Jobson advises the team on all jobseeking-related matters including hirings, firings and re-hirings after mistaken firings.
Just to be clear, Jobson isn't a badger, he's a human. Big Cheese Badger is proud to run a species equal opportunity workplace. Since the Rooney Badger Rule of 2003 every badger workplace must interview at least one non-badger for every vacant position, but Big Cheese Badger was doing that anyway as he's a progressive badger manager. He's always been a big fan of humans especially and anyone looking at his porn collection would know that to be true.
- Chester Chucklenuts, another human, has the important job title of "Someone in the office called Chester Chucklenuts". His duties include being Chester Chucklenuts, doing things that Chester Chucklenuts would do and not changing his name - to give him credit he performs his duties flawlessly. Our previous employee in this position, Chester Chucklenuts, was sacked after he got married and changed his name to Chester Chucklenuts-Chortlebollocks.
- Charity Chortlebollocks used to work here but she left just after she got married and became Charity Chucklenuts-Chortlebollocks. Something to do with us firing her husband for no reason.
- Crinklebottom Bumblecrack is Big Cheese Badger's butler and personal groomer. His duties include asking Big Cheese Badger not to throw food on the floor, begging Big Cheese Badger not to throw food on the floor and picking up food that Big Cheese Badger has thrown on the floor.
- The Pork Ninja is Big Cheese Badger's personal bodyguard. He's proud to be the first ever pork-based person to work in a badger workplace and he's tough enough to avoid being eaten.
- And there's a small flat man who, for some reason, has inserted himself underneath our filing cabinet. He looks exactly like the furniture removal chap who worked for us about a year ago. Except flatter. Anyway, uninvited though he is, Big Cheese Badger's happy to have him as part of the team, although he does need to cheer up a bit, we're all tired of him going on about depressing stuff like being crushed and not being able to breathe.
Ready to enter? For your chance to visit the We Are All Badgers office and Meet The Team just finish the sentence, in four million, twenty-three thousand, nine hundred and two point four words or under, "I don't like <insert name> because ..." Tweet your answers to Big Cheese Badger using #meettheteam. Answers will be judged on jumpiness, swirliness and springiness. And, as with all official We Are All Badgers competitions, pictorial representations are allowed.
If you're the unlucky winner then make your way to our office by following these road signs:
If you can't find the road signs then don't worry just look for these road signs pointing you to the other road signs:
When you arrive Crinklebottom will welcome you in and fetch you a complementary drink from our water butt. We don't have any spare chairs in the office but feel free to take a seat on top of our filing cabinet; just try to ignore the impudent squeals of the small flat man.
Be aware the team is wary of strangers but as long as you don't make any sudden moves you should be fine.
We look forward to your entry. Good luck!