We Are All Badgers is an online magazine-format magazine. We Are All Badgers has stories, games, quizzes, competitions and even prizes. Copies are printed and distributed monthly on recycled paper (We Are All Badgers are Green!) to many recycle bins across the country (We Are All Badgers keep costs down by cutting out the middle man!). If you'd like to request a hardcopy please shout very loud with subject: 'Please add me to the distribution list'. We reserve the right to pretend we didn't hear.
For anyone who's unfamiliar with badgers here's a brief history of their species so you don't feel like an uneducated twonker when the subject inevitably comes up in conversation. And don't worry about authenticity as the following account has been verified by many of our most learned badger scholars.
The word "badger" is derived from the Latin verb "badgare" meaning "to badger", and found its way into the English language by hot-air balloon in the 1st century. The hot-air balloon crash-landed in a forest due to the embarrassing realisation that it hadn't been invented yet. Luckily the word was rescued from the wreckage by several black and white nocturnal mammals called twonkers - they were the best looking animal in the forest with their two black stripes on their face but their terrible name always held them back.
Nevertheless, twonkers are kind creatures and they spent the next year nursing the poor word back to health. The word was so grateful for their kindness that it repaid them in the only way it knew how - by offering itself as a name for their race which, of course, was the one thing twonkers wanted the most. And that's the true story of how badgers got their name. Oh, and the badgers, always keen recyclers as you know, started using the word twonker as a jovial insult instead of just chucking it in the bin and it's still used regularly today.
Badgers have since become the envy of all races because of their great name. Humans, with their boring name, have been especially jealous and have tried numerous times to steal the name for themselves. The most recent was the attempted extermination of all badgers under the guise of a "TB cull". This attempt failed and so the badgers are still badgers and the humans are still stupid.
There are still some nice, non-murderous humans around that are happy to live side-by-side with badgers and, together with the Big Cheese of We Are All Badgers, Big Cheese Badger, they've come up with a plan to suit both species: badgers get to keep their name and humans get to say the word "badger" more often. The idea is the word "badger" can replace any word as long as the meaning is still understood, like "brr, it's badger!" when you're shivering with cold. So maybe there is still hope for badger-human co-existence after all? We badger hope so!
Please note We Are All Badgers contains material unsuitable for those under the age of 0. Anyone under the age of 0 found on this website will be reported immediately to their soon-to-be parents, which is an embarrassing and frustrating conversation at best, especially if they haven't met yet.
Do you have something and also want something? Then Swap Club is the perfect place for you! Browse our listings below and contact fellow readers through the We Are All Badgers' secure portal.
- Regular reader Nomkin Jones has a four-foot piece of MDF with a "nice sheen". He will swap for a five-foot piece of MDF with a "really nice sheen".
- Chester Chucklenuts has an assorted collection of gravel, dirt and twigs, stuck together with snot and green phlegm. He will swap for a 4K TV with 4K Blu-ray player and at least five films.
Small Cheese Badger is in charge of Swap Club, contact him for all Swap Club related matters including if the Swap Club registration link here doesn't work. Or this one: here.
He's really trying to make a success of Swap Club with an aggressive marketing campaign and a catchy new Swap Club slogan:
"The first rule of Swap Club is: You do not talk about Swap Club. The second rule of Swap Club is: Ignore the first rule of Swap Club and talk about Swap Club otherwise you won't make any swaps."
The classified section is now classified. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Big Cheese Badger’s Upcoming Shows & Appearances
- Big Cheese Badger is performing on the underground stand-up comedy scene, which is actually called the crouching scene due to the small tunnels. Check your local listings!
- He's always on TV these days - catch him on popular badger-related comedy panel shows like 8 Out of 10 Badgers, Have I Got Badgers For You and Never Mind The Badgercocks.
- Look out for his first foray into serious acting with the award-winning TV series Breaking Badger. Big Cheese Badger plays a respectable badger who leads a double-life as the criminal genius, Heisenbadger. Binge-watch on Badgerflix now!
- In this month's newsletter Big Cheese Badger called Nomkin Jones a perforated schlindering boilsnatch. He meant to say perforated schlundering boilsnatch. We apologise for any offence caused.
- In the corrections section of last month's newsletter the thirty-first correction was mistakenly corrected and needs to be uncorrected.
- Seven thousand, three hundred and fifty-two archived corrections available on request.
Club Of The Month
The popular new pastime of grey squirrel hunting is currently sweeping the nation! Everyone's doing it and, don't worry, it's all for a good cause - to save the beloved British red squirrel from extinction! They really need our help against their larger, stronger cousins.
Now you can do your bit - join your local Grey Squirrel Hunting Club and start hunting! No squirrel killing experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Choose from a variety of supplied weaponry including pistols, rifles and rocket launchers. The clubs are also child-friendly with miniature guns especially made for our little-handed friends. Click there for your free Grey Squirrel Kills Log Sheet to keep an accurate record of your squirrel kills.
As an incentive We Are All Badgers is running the official competition to find the first grey squirrel hunter to reach 1,000 kills. Wolverhampton will be awarded to the winner and we have runner-up prizes of five tins of tuna, pre-opened for your convenience. Please allow ten working days for delivery. Good luck!
After the success of the last year's Draw a Sporty Shorts-Wearing Badger In Thirty Seconds competition, we'll be back soon with a brand new competition - Draw a Stretchy Bendy Badger In Thirty Seconds competition! So get practising!
There's a rumour doing the rounds at Channel 4 that a Draw a Something Something Badger In Thirty Seconds game (to give it it's official name) will soon be added as a new round to it's popular gameshow Countdown. So the words and numbers gameshow will soon become the words and numbers and badger drawing gameshow. About bloody time!
We Are All Badgers is proud to be a member of the UK Badger-Related Comedy Guild, which is a non-profit organization formed to protect the rights and livelihoods of anyone working in the British badger-related comedy industry. At present We Are All Badgers is the only member.
On This Day In . . . 1995
This very day 25 years ago marked the beginning of the devastating Great British Toilet Shortage where we saw the horrific consequences of a rapidly increasing population living in a country with a severe lack of toilet facilities. These days we take it for granted that everyone has access to a good quality poopary but it was a different world back then when the sudden shortage resulted in honest, hard-working citizens having to poop into anything they could get their hands on like buckets, pots, hats, shoes, saucepans, cupboards, drawers underneath beds, kettles, toasters, cut-in-half footballs, their family heirlooms, crowns, pre-homo-sapien-made bowls and even their own bowl of cornflakes.
Of course, that was only half the problem as the turd had to be disposed of afterwards. It's been estimated that at any one time a staggering 80% of the Great British population were carrying excrement around in their pockets hoping they'd find a vacant toilet to dispose of it in. If you've ever found poop in an old charity shop trouser pocket now you know why.
So to prevent this crisis from ever happening again, We Are All Badgers has come up with a simple yet effective solution - but we can't do it without your help. We need every concerned and capable citizen to add an "i" to every "To Let" sign they can find, creating millions of brand-new toilets instantly! And feel free to try out your new toilet as the presence of poop will encourage others to do the same. Act now before it's too late! Or should we say tooilate?
Notice Of Compliance
We Are All Badgers fully complies with UK law on silly websites. We have full global accreditation with the Online Internet Website Act 1905.
In accordance with the above laws all visitors with leather teeth and five eyebrows must be accompanied by a responsible adult gorilla wearing a pair of overly tight jeans.
Those not complying with the law will be apprehended by the internet police, Interpol, and imprisoned up their own left nostril.
Tip Of The Day
Do you want your mail delivered faster and at no extra cost?
Well, just write "To be delivered by Badger Post" on your envelope or parcel and because postmen and postwomen are badger fans they will prioritize your mail. So second class mail will be upgraded to first class; and first class mail will be upgraded to zeroth class, which basically involves the postie sprinting to the house.
This is some pointless text under a pointless heading.
Only read this pointless text if you really have nothing better to do.
We are officially the UK's number one Badger-Related Comedy Site, as voted by readers of What Badger-Related Comedy Site? magazine. Thank you for all your votes and don't forget to vote next year!
And make sure you grab the latest issue of What Badger-Related Comedy Site? magazine as there's a special feature on Big Cheese Badger. Just ask your local newsagent for the latest issue and don't take no for an answer!
New from the We Are All Badgers shop: buy the hilariously funny joke corner to confuse your friends and bemuse your enemies. Simply place the joke corner in the centre of any room and wait for your chosen victim to enter then watch their understanding of three-dimensional space disappear before your very eyes. They'll be researching n-dimensional space before you can say "is the temporal dimension unaffected?"
Warning: May create physicists.