Facebook

Actually it's not Facebook but something better than that: it's the popular rival version - it's Facebadger.

Facebadger uses a "deemed consent", "opt-out" system, so that means by viewing this page you've automatically joined Facebadger. If you wish to opt-out simply tweet Big Cheese Badger with #facebadger #optout and don't forget to include £100 to cover administrative costs.

The Facebadger platform is well known for its accessible format and traditional values. We've had substantial feedback from users telling us it's far more relaxing and less stressful than its flashy alternatives. To use Facebadger simply print out this page and write your Facebadger posts in the spaces provided. Then pop it an envelope and post it to:

Don't worry, it won't cost you a penny to post, as we have a special arrangement with Royal Mail. Just make sure you write on the envelope: "To be delivered free of charge for no reason please."

Speaking of writing things on envelopes, Big Cheese Badger often likes to write nice things on his envelopes to cheer up the hardworking posties and it never fails to brighten up their day. If you'd like to do the same then try complementing the postie by writing a few kind words on your envelope like "you look nice today" or "I like your eyes" or if you're feeling adventurous "I like your nostrils". A simple complement goes a long way. Literally, as its on an envelope.

Please be patient for your Facebadger post to be processed as it could take upwards of some unspecified time. When he gets around to it, Big Cheese Badger will like and comment on your post then send it to a random residential address in order to get more likes for you. This way more people see your post and they'll send it to another random address and if you're lucky it might go viral and get posted to millions of homes! This is the tried and tested Facebadger patented system.

According to the laws of probability you should randomly receive your Facebadger post, complete with likes and comments, through your letterbox in around one hundred to two hundred years time, so make sure you mention it to your great, great, great grand children.

So what are you waiting for? Join the fun! Facebadger starts here!

Facebadger

What are you up to today? Don't worry if it's mundane and boring, you'll get loads of likes whatever you say.

Facebadger currently doesn't have photograph processing capabilities, so please draw a memorable moment from your holiday here:

Want to play a fantastically, brilliantly, amazingly fun game on the Facebadger platform with other fantastic, brilliant, amazing Facebadger users?

Sorry, you can't.

Write any feelings of disappointment here:

Congratulations, you've sent your first Facebadger post! Feel free to send another one tomorrow!