Colour News And Gossip Weekly

Peruse news extracts from Colour News And Gossip Weekly - the only magazine you'll ever need for your weekly colour news and gossip. And the only one that exists.

Changes Afoot in the Countryside?

Green's contract to colour the countryside, the Grass and Leaves Contract, is due to expire in just five years and a bidding war has broken out over who gets this sought-after job. The hot favourite from the bookies is Red due to his vast experience colouring leaves in the Autumn. Blue is also a strong contender, although insiders are saying he would have to fund the deal by selling his Sky Contract. Experts are advising lovers of the countryside to brace themselves for change as Green has had it his way for too long.

If Green were to lose the Grass and Leaves Contract then it won't be just the grass and leaves themselves that will change colour - thousands of priceless landscape paintings would have to be repainted, possibly ruining them. And the bottom half of the Welsh flag would have to be recoloured; Welsh fundamentalists will not be pleased.

Red Rage!

The Colour Allocation Authority (caa) are the official administrative body behind the awarding of colouring contracts. They ensure that all contracts are carried out to a high standard and they oversee the bidding process. One of the most important duties of the caa is to ensure that any one colour does not have a monopoly and dominate the landscape with their hue. Current concerns are with Red, who has been very outspoken about taking over the Sky Contract from Blue combined with the Sun Contract from Yellow, with the intention of dominating the sky. Anti-Red campaigners are taking this opportunity to blacken (sorry Black) his name and conjure up the image of Red creating a 'hell on earth' scenario. Many of us know that Red has been encroaching on Blue's sky for many years but nothing seems to be done about it. Early morning or late evening, witnesses say, is when Red strikes the most.

A Black and White World

The world existed for millions of years in just Black, White and Shades of Grey before the realisation that colour would greatly enrich life. This period of time is now known as Before Colour (bc) whereas Anno Dyus (ad) refers to our present time period after colours were introduced just over 2000 years ago. The world-wide call for colour brought millions of different colours crawling out of the oceans. It was a chaotic time, with objects often changing colour every few seconds. Humans would regularly not recognise each other as one minute you'd be pink, the next, turquoise. It led to innumerable accusations of being ignored, many friendships were broken and much blood was spilled. Which was mostly yellow. Eventually the need for order was recognised and so the caa was founded and they have overseen the colouring process ever since.

Today, we are used to the luxury of colour, and the thought of going back to those primitive times is something we all fear. But for many years now, we have been living with the very real threat of returning to those colourless days. Rebel Colours, many of whom were not allowed into the Colour Pool, have been plotting to overthrow the caa and enforce a different kind of colour allocation system, or more likely, and more alarming, the complete eradication of colour. It is rumoured that Black, White and Shades of Grey would not be adverse to returning to such times and their possible involvement with these colour rogues is currently being investigated by the caa, mainly by watching out for suspicious activity from zebras, penguins and badgers.

The Trescelin Attack

The world braces itself for a repeat of the Trescelin Attack of ad 1985. Trescelin was refused entry into the Colour Pool ten years prior due to 'inherent flaws in personality that may result in a lack of colouring for many if not most of the specified areas and objects' (source: caa report on candidates that have been refused entry into the Colour Pool, ad 1975). It should be noted that many colours that have been refused entry into the Colour Pool have lived honest, decent lives, and some have even agreed to be recoloured themselves.

But Trescelin did not act favourably towards this decision and attacked the caa with a number of other notorious refused entries of the Colour Pool: Lucifous, Restina and Junipera. (These colours have never been seen by most people, click here for archive footage.) Their attack caused havoc throughout the world because everything was recoloured to Trescelin, Lucifous, Restina and Junipera for a number of days. The caa got the situation under control after a tip-off from Magnolia, well-known for her curtain-twitching habits, and Trescelin was arrested along with fellow trouble-makers, Restina and Junipera. Lucifous avoided capture and is still at large; the caa is on high alert to prevent another major attack.

Transparency Matters

When they were created, the caa decreed that certain things would be transparent and would remain so indefinitely. Laws were put in place to ensure that Transparent's contracts could never be altered otherwise it would cause chaos in the world. But one important situation they overlooked is if Transparent wanted to retire and that's just the situation we find ourselves in. Whether he's serious or not or, as many sceptics think, out for a major pay rise, these are major problems that need to be addressed sooner rather than later. With this in mind, the caa are currently working on several contingency plans if Transparent leaves his role. One suggestion is to let Blue colour water as, and I quote from a prominent caa figure, "Most people wouldn't even notice the difference."

The most worrying problem for the caa is the colouring of air itself. It has been taken for granted that air is see-through, but that has been down to the hard work of Transparent. If he decides to retire then life will be very difficult for everyone living in a world with coloured air as no-one would be able to see anything else ever again. Apart from coloured air. We think a major pay rise will be heading Transparent's way!

The Colour Allocation Authority

Some have even written bc as Before Creation as they see the addition of colour into the world as the true beginning of life. The first colour pioneers are seen in some eyes as Gods and are worshipped as such. The first members of the caa certainly shaped the course of history and have changed the world into what we know it as today. Many people are not even aware of the history of the changing of colours and would not believe you if you told them that excrement used to be pink (pre ad 200) or that blood used to be green (pre ad 608). The thought of aliens having green blood is not so strange now. And yes, before you ask, royalty did have blue blood; it was changed to red to conform to the rest of humanity as there was no longer any need to distinguish from both groups, as the role and influence of royalty has been in decline.

Shade of the Day

Black, White and Shades of Grey have been making headlines recently as they continue to campaign against their non-inclusion into the Colour of the Day competition - on the technicality that they are a Shade. They are demanding equal rights for Shades. The caa is considering a new competition, Shade of the Day, to appease them.

Red in the Face

Red's lawyers have revealed they have found a loop-hole in his part-time Red in the Face Contract that will enable him to upgrade it to a full-time contract without any opposition. This is an embarrassing oversight for the caa and a powerful bargaining tool for Red in his desire for power. He has threatened to take advantage of this and that would mean that not only the caa being embarrassed but millions of people would look constantly embarrassed about nothing in particular.

Blue Quits

The popular colour, Blue, has quit! He announced his shock decision at a hastily arranged press conference at the We Are All Badgers office, at which point it looked like the sky dropped out of the, er, sky.

What Now?

Do you want even more colour news and gossip? Just pop to your local newsagent and ask for the latest issue of Colour News And Gossip Weekly. If they don't know what you're talking about then just tell them it's the UK's number one magazine for colour news and gossip. If that doesn't work then tell them it's the only magazine that dishes the dirt on what colours get up to in their spare time. If they ask you to leave their store then do so with dignity and pride; then shout "yah ain't got nah taste 'n maguh-zinns, yah frizzled wetwonce!" That'll learn 'em for looking down on you.

Then repeat the above in the bakery down the road.